Starbucks free Wi-Fi pornStarbucks just announced that on July 1st, they will offer unconditionally free Wi-Fi (always capitalized, like "Internet" and "Mother Nature" and "BP"!) at all of their stores nationwide. I can only speculate potential reasons they didn’t implement this earlier, and none of them hold much water (or should I say, coffee):

  • They were making more revenue from T-Mobile/AT&T agreements than potential increased coffee sales (hard to fathom).
  • They thought stores would get too crowded (it was hard enough sitting next to five hipsters, now ten?!).
  • They were hashing out exclusive Wi-Fi content partnerships (like the ones coming with Yahoo and WSJ).
  • They were trying to encourage Americans to read more books (everybody knows books make you fall asleep so you need more coffee to stay awake through one).
  • They feared I would look at porn in their stores, scaring off today’s elementary school coffee drinkers (how else do you stay awake during social studies after playing Call of Duty all night??).
  • They thought Wi-Fi would dilute the value of coffee (that’s all Starbucks needs, is people thinking they can get previously expensive stuff free…).

There’s a Mexican restaurant in my hometown, Huntsville, AL, that runs one of the funniest promotions I’ve ever seen: "Bring in your church bulletin to Bandito Burrito and get half off margaritas on Sundays!" Next on the marketing agenda, if you can recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards, the devil will pop out of your burrito and squirt free samples of sour cream and guacamole into your mouth as you eat!

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Speaking of Mexican food, have you ever accidentally made a noise so disgusting while eating, that it makes you lose your own appetite? I once did a sort of throw-up burp sounding thing while eating a hamburger that I couldn’t finish it. Now, this would make sense if the hamburger was from a Mexican restaurant. Unfortunately, it was from Atlanta’s "top burger spot," The Vortex, where there are more black holes than a Black Panther porn. I’m just saying, The Vortex sounds more like a place where no hamburger escapes unfinished.

Is it considered embarrassing to go to the store and buy only toilet paper? What if you buy a whole bunch at the same time? Every time I go to CVS and buy a 24-pack of toilet paper and walk out of the store (no bag of course, because it’s too large), I get the feeling people think I have to take a huge shit. And that just chaps my ass. Like when you walk into a grocery store after midnight and only buy a bunch of potato chips and frozen pizzas and everyone knows you’re high.

Have you ever met a stranger who tries to be too clever for their first impression? Like they really wanna be that person to come up with a witty line or retort, but they’ve only got the sound of it down, not the concept? For instance, today I went to buy raw milk from a deli. A local farm puts it in gallon jugs and labels it "pet milk – not for human consumption" because the FDA still clings to outdated pasteurization/homogenization rules, even though drinking milk directly from a cow’s hot pink nipple is perfectly safe these days. Anyway, I asked the guy working the register where the raw milk was. He said, "Oh, it’s right over there." Then he got a little twinkle in his eye and added, "Well, TECHNICALLY, it’s PET’S MILK." Then he shot me a smirk like "GOTCHA." The problem here, eager beaver stranger, is that if we really are speaking TECHNICALLY, then it’s NOT pet’s milk, it’s raw milk. Milk does not leave a cow wanting to be fed to your fucking dog or cat. Milk, in it’s raw form, is just that: raw milk. It’s kind of like when people overuse the term "literally." Like, "I squeezed the milk straight out of the cow’s udder, LITERALLY!" Really? Because the metaphorical version of that would be an udder bestiality FAIL.

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I’ve always thought it would be funny if there was a guy in porn who got confused when things started to heat up on set.

Girl: Oh yeah!! Do you want this pussy?!
Guy: Well, sort of… I mean, it wasn’t my first choice, but we’re here now, right?
Girl: Come on daddy, give it to me harder!
Guy: I have to say, this is pretty much 100%. Thrusters are on maximum power, penis is fully engaged—we’re practically at warp speed given the malleable nature of the shaft.

I don’t know why that turned into a Star Trek porn but it makes sense considering where sex falls on the Trekker priority list.

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