Tom: You ever miss Florida?
Me: Only when it’s cold out, or when I want to go to the beach or when I get horny.
Tom: So, every day then?
Me: Pretty much.

Lacey: Tina’s having a rough time with her breakup.
Me: Well, divorce can be tough.
Lacey: Oh, not the one with her husband. The one with her boyfriend.
Me: Of course.

Ron: Did you hear about Oscar Taveras?
Bob: Yeah. It’s so sad. Sorry, dude.
Ron: It’s not your fault.
Bob: You obviously don’t know how much I influence Dominican Republic roadways.
Ron: Asshole.

Jenny: There’s nothing in your freezer.
Me: There’s ice.
Jenny: But there’s no ice cream, no snacks, no frozen waffles.
Me: Yeah I don’t eat that stuff.
Jenny: Ever?
Me: Pretty much.
Jenny: I don’t think we’re compatable.

Billie: I’ve got all this cash and I can’t even open a checking account.
Me: No one said being a stripper would be easy.
Billie: Bullshit. Lots of people said it. That’s why I took the gig in the first place.

Me: So you have a restraining order on your live-in boyfriend?
Billie: Yup.
Me: How do you work that?
Billie: It’s easy. He loves me.
Me: And you love him too?
Billie: Sure, from five hundred feet anyway.

Lacey: He kept calling me a liar and his friends badmouthed me. It made me so sick that I actually threw up.
Me: Wow. That’s a heck of a physical response to—
Lacey: Well, it might have been the five vodkas I had but I don’t think that had anything to do with it.
Me: Of course it didn’t.

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