Me: So, why the hell should I care who wins, again?
Jake: It's Lakers/Celtics. You have to give a shit.
Me: Why? I don't root for either team.
Jake: It's like Star Wars. Either you're a Sith fan or a Jedi fan.
Me: Honestly, you really need to move out of your parents' place.
Me: Why are you calling me Little Nate?
Scott: Because Big Nate is bigger than you.
Me: I don't know if I like being called Little Nate.
Big Nate: I know I hate it. Especially in the bedroom.
Me: Ba dump Bump.
Big Nate: Ching.
Scott: I can't believe that hot ass chick is 37.
Me: And mother of a fourteen year old.
Scott: Where'd you find her again?
Me: Little League Ball Park. She was watching her son play.
Scott: See now, I thought you were gonna say ‘strip club' or ‘bar' or even ‘dance club.' You know, something less… innocent.
Me: She really is a good mom.
Scott: I'll bet all the coaches just love having her kid on their team.
Me: Honestly, I think her chest may actually influence her son's draft position.
Scott: No doubt.
Jake: You see, dude. The Lakers represent everything that is evil and selfish about the NBA. Therefore, they are the Sith. And the Celtics are the innocent underdogs, fighting for a chance to save the world from the evil in our hearts.
Me: Uh… no they're not. And they're not. And none of that made any goddamn sense. It's two teams playing for one ring. End of story.
Jake: End of a shitty story with no light sabers.
Me: When did you become such a tool?
Rochelle: Scott, how long have you known Nate?
Scott: Couple a years.
Rochelle: Doesn't he look great?
Scott: Not to me he doesn't. To me he kind of looks like a douche.
Rochelle: A hot douche.
Me: Now I know I don't like being called a douche.
Rochelle: Hot douche is better than plain douche.
Me: That's what they tell me.
Scott: I like her better than what's her name.
Me: Gee, I wonder why.
Scott: No, it's not just her looks. She's social and funny and talks to us and stuff.
Julie: Plus she's really good at making fun of you.
Scott: And we love that around here.
Me: I hate all of you. Every last one of you.
Jake: The Lakers got Gasol for nothing.
Me: The Celtics got Garnett for a hundred bucks.
Jake: Kobe is selfish and greedy.
Me: Maybe so but I never met the man.
Jake: Phil Jackson is a pedophile.
Me: Dude, I grew up in St. Louis and then I moved to Tampa. Boston's too cold and LA is too smoggy and snobby. Fuck 'em both.
Jake: There will come a time when you will have to choose sides in the great war, my friend.
Me: You are a tool.