Kevin: Hey man, can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure man, but it has some issues when you flush it so—
Kevin: Don’t worry man, I wasn’t planning on flushing.

Vonderrit Myers Memorial in St. Louis Missouri 

Me: We drove by the memorial for that Vonderrit Myers kid.
Sam: I thought it was Vonderrick?
Me: The memorial said Vonderrit.
Sam: Memorials don’t know everything.

Me: Why are you walking around with counterfeit 20 dollar bills?
Tati: Because the bank won’t let me keep them.
Me: Yeah, but why do you want to keep them?
Tati: So I can show people what they look like.
Me: That’s a horrible plan.
Tati: It’s not a plan, it’s a conversation piece.
Me: Okay…

Joe: What happened to your date?
Me: She cancelled.
Joe: Why?
Me: She said that it’d be a rude thing to do to her boyfriend.
Joe: Considerate girl right there.

Me: We drove by the memorial for that Vonderrit Myers kid.
Joe: We’re doing memorials for people who shoot at city cops now?
Me: I guess so.
Joe: I hate this town sometimes.

Casey: What happened to that little girl you were hooking up with?
Me: She made up with her boyfriend.
Casey: Reconciliation always warms my heart.
Me: Fuck you.

Vester: I tried to tell you, the Cardinals always lose.
Me: They took first place.
Vester: And then they lost.
Me: In the National League Champion Series.
Vester: Like I said, just a bunch of losers.
Me: If the Cardinals are losers, what’s that make the Rams?
Jerry: Shit. It makes them shit.

Me: No matter what happens, I can take solace in the fact that my drainage system is adequately protected from the vagaries of Autumn climes.
Dan: The fuck is he talking about?
Megan: He put up gutter guards this weekend and he’s very drunk.
Me: Verily, the gutters are guarded. No leaves shall cross their borders as long as I am king.
Megan: At least he did something this weekend.

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Chip: I can’t believe we forgot to bring cash. That was kind of embarrassing.
Me: My mail lady saw me jerking off through my window last week. I think I can survive this.
Chip: Dude, some things just don’t need to be said.

Kevin: What happened to that girl you were with last time I was in town?
Me: She’s back living with her husband.
Kevin: Good on her, saving you money like that.
Me: Yeah, she’s a peach.

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