She told me I could have my way with her, but she didn’t know how much clown makeup, frosting and kitchen utensils my way involved. So now I’m the bad guy because she didn’t do her due diligence. Women: never ever accountable no matter what happens.

She told me I was the most important person in her life even though I’m pretty sure the fire department could have been more help at the time.

She told me that we were meant to be together and that we were still technically together without my penis in her and no diligently worded physics arguments could convince her otherwise. My penis and I sure tried though. Women ain’t so good at science.

She told me that she didn’t ever want to let me go but I think that had more to do with her position on the balcony than anything else at the time. Say what you will, but chicks can be pretty practical.

She told me she wanted to build a life together and then freaked out when I brought home the stem cells. Bitches never really know what they want.

She told me that I was her bae and I smacked her because what the fuck, right?

She told me she couldn’t live without me then retracted when I tried to test that theory with a .45 caliber handgun. Women hardly ever think before they speak.

She told me she was leaving and she wasn’t coming back but then every other day or so she would show up saying stupid shit like, “this is my apartment.” It’s like, make up your mind.

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She told me that the cops were coming and that if I didn’t leave I’d end up in jail. Girls are so dramatic sometimes.

She told me to go to hell and die even though everyone knows it works the other way around.

Women, huh? They almost never know what they’re saying.

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