Thoughts: Murders, Rapes, and More

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! is a funny concept for a product. You couldn't do that with anything else. What would I Can't Believe It's Not Lettuce! be? I Can't Believe It's Not A Computer? And 'I Can't Believe It's Not Crack!' wouldn't go over too well with the diehard crack fan demographic.

I think there should be crimes like 'Felony Jaywalking' and 'Misdemeanor Murder.'

Why don't more medications besides Viagra have the possible side effect of having an erection for more than 4 hours? I think if you're gonna have side effects, you might as well as have good ones like that. Your new blood pressure medicine gives you nausea and constipation, but also a 5-hour erection! So you keep taking it.

Is it a crime to stab blind people in the eyes? They're not using them...

If you think about it, date rape is better than regular rape. If I had a choice, I'd definitely pick to be date raped. You get wined and dined, maybe a movie out of it. It's better than being plucked randomly off the street by a stranger in a van. Plus, this way, after you get raped by someone you know on a date rape, you can at least de-friend them on Facebook.

I would consider voting for McCain, but I seriously doubt he's going to live until next January.

Remember those car insurance commercials where someone would be driving along, having an everyday conversation with their friend or spouse when all of a sudden BOOM! Fucking car crash you're dead. And then a friendly-looking but still black person says "this won't happen to you if you buy Allstate Car Insurance." They should do these commercials again but instead replace car crashes with brutal murders or rapes. You're just walking along with your grandma who's an inspiration to you as a woman and then FUCKIN' BLAM! You and your grandma get raped by a clown who looks like Rodney Dangerfield and then a friendly clown walks out and offers you clown rape insurance.

If you really want to creep someone out, the next time you're invited to their house, start going through the contents of their paper shredder and trying to piece the documents back together.

They say you should just get high on life. Where can I find a life dealer? How much is it for a bag of some good life? Has anyone ever been so high on life that they killed a cop? And how would an intervention for life go? "Rico, you really need to stop living."