I'm Scared Of Midgets

I know in the past I've yelled to everyone within hearing distance "I'm not scared of midgets, I will fight a midget, if you bring a midget to me right now I will punch it in the face."

But I've been doing a lot of quiet reflecting lately, mixed in with a little bit of research.

And I've realized that I have been misled about a lot of midget facts, and that a lot of things I thought were true about midgets are actually misconceptions or stereotypes.

Like, "if a midget comes into your home you can just put him in a blender, put the lid on the blender, and turn the blender on High, and before you know it, you'll have a Midget Blood Smoothie." Apparently midgets can't fit in blenders, unless they're baby midgets.

And while midgets are indeed elusive creatures, I've been told that they don't in fact live far, far away on the evil island of Dwarferia. They walk among us, small, violent creatures in our cities and streets.

I also used to think that if a midget was on the loose, you could just call Animal Control, and they'd come and put it in a cage and ship it off to Hell. But truth be told, Animal Control is no longer answering my calls. What am I to do the next time a midget comes through my chimney with a butcher knife, an evil look in his eyes, and an intent to kill? Call the Midget Police? They don't exist! (Unless midgets become police officers...oh God!)

Well, if these evil creatures walk among us, can't be chopped into a million pieces of liquid via blender, and cannot be contained by any emergency team, then I'm more scared of them than I ever thought! Now that the stereotypes and myths are cleared up, I fear for life even more!

Like...what if a midget dressed as a human breaks into my house and starts stripping? And when all its clothes are off, it's true identity is revealed? A vile midget with superpowers?

Or this scenario: I'm at Disneyland and I go to pet a Munchkin and it starts biting my hand! And before I can scream for someone to save me, it's moved on to other parts of my body. It's now biting my whole arm and eventually it's got its mouth wrapped around my whole body and it swallows me whole!

Or, like, I've won a Golden Ticket and Willy Wonka is giving me the magical tour of his wonderful factory, but then when we get to the part with all the Oompa Loompas, they all come running after me and torture me for hours on end. What do I do when this happens?

One thing I've learned is that no matter who you are, where you are, or what self-defense techniques you've learned, you are not safe from midgets. And they will find you and kill you.

It's just a question of when.