‘’And God so loved baseball that he gave his one and only son, so that baseball in D.C would not perish.’’

-MLB 3:16 Read More »

Wiggy: Are you gonna finish eating that?
Me: That was my intention when I purchased it.
Wiggy: And now how do you feel about it?
Me: Pretty good. I think I'll meet my goal.
Wiggy: You can spare a couple fries, can't you?
Me: I can.
Wiggy: But you ain't offering me none?
Me: Don't look that shocked. I don't like you. Read More »

Hello there.  What's your name?

Really, that is absolutely awesome.  I wish my parents had named me after a character from Greek mythology. 

Of course I know a little of that stuff.  I may not be the brightest but I like to think I have a rudimentary knowledge of the classics.  Who's your favorite author? Read More »

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When that dude flew his plane into that IRS building in Austin, Texas, my first thought was, "You know, if you want to create a terrorist movement that the American citizenry will get behind, you couldn't pick a better target than the IRS."  My second thought had something to do with pork tenderloin Read More »

Bonjour, Big Birds!

Today, your Accident-Attracting Antipodean Auteur once again spent some time being taught some fucked up life lessons at the School of Randomly Bizarre Happenings, which I have been unwilling enrolled in for some time now, and which apparently holds weekend classes. Here's some highlights from today's curriculum of chaos. Read More »

(Yeah, it's a disgusting habit...) Read More »

Dear Netflix,

I adore your service. Because of you, all I need to do for entertainment is walk to the mailbox and update my Queue—which I do more than I check my Facebook profile. But I've found a way to make Netflix even better.

Send porn randomly. Read More »

In the course of shopping for fine china, I stumbled upon quite possibly the the funniest (serious) review I've ever read on Amazon. In reference to the Durex Avanti Bare condoms, madmaeve's review "too tight" says: Read More »

Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney's, but I guess it wasn't pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge.

The Genitals of the Future
by Paul Frank Read More »

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The reason why my socks smell like weed and my weed smells like laundry detergent is...

I keep my weed in my sock drawer. I know. Surprising. Get over it.

A middle-aged white man walks into the Department of Motor Vehicles.

He waits in line for what feels like fucking forever until he speaks to the cashier or whatever they're called.

"Can I help you?" she says in her sassy black voice.

"Yes, I'd like to file a complaint." Read More »

(No, your head is the one with the thick candy shell on it...) Read More »

Thursday, February 18th (Day of the Bachelor Party)

Brian: Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?
Me: Really, no one says hello anymore. Read More »