It's Friday; time to rip on one of the worst pieces of writing ever to make the mainstream.  Katynka Z. Martínez is writing about something.  I just don't know what.  Her words are in bold.  But that doesn't make them any less infuriating.  Read More »

(Who is this masked man working the door at my neighborhood bar????) Read More »

They call him Street Corner Kid, which is odd to me because he's got gray in his beard and those old man eyes that seem to tell you two things:  I've seen it all and I wouldn't mind another beer.  I pull a beer from my brown paper grocery bag and hand it to him; he takes it silently, cracks it open and takes a long hard pull, his Adam's apple bumping up and down like a buoy in rough seas.  < Read More »

"And God so loved baseball that he gave his one and only son, so that baseball in D.C would not perish."

-MLB 3:16

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Wiggy: Are you gonna finish eating that?
Me: That was my intention when I purchased it.
Wiggy: And now how do you feel about it?
Me: Pretty good. I think I'll meet my goal.
Wiggy: You can spare a couple fries, can't you?
Me: I can.
Wiggy: But you ain't offering me none?
Me: Don't look that shocked. I don't like you. Read More »

Hello there.  What's your name?

Really, that is absolutely awesome.  I wish my parents had named me after a character from Greek mythology. 

Of course I know a little of that stuff.  I may not be the brightest but I like to think I have a rudimentary knowledge of the classics.  Who's your favorite author? Read More »

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When that dude flew his plane into that IRS building in Austin, Texas, my first thought was, "You know, if you want to create a terrorist movement that the American citizenry will get behind, you couldn't pick a better target than the IRS."  My second thought had something to do with pork tenderloin Read More »

Bonjour, Big Birds!

Today, your Accident-Attracting Antipodean Auteur once again spent some time being taught some fucked up life lessons at the School of Randomly Bizarre Happenings, which I have been unwilling enrolled in for some time now, and which apparently holds weekend classes. Here's some highlights from today's curriculum of chaos. Read More »

(Yeah, it's a disgusting habit...) Read More »

Dear Netflix,

I adore your service. Because of you, all I need to do for entertainment is walk to the mailbox and update my Queue—which I do more than I check my Facebook profile. But I've found a way to make Netflix even better.

Send porn randomly. Read More »

In the course of shopping for fine china, I stumbled upon quite possibly the the funniest (serious) review I've ever read on Amazon. In reference to the Durex Avanti Bare condoms, madmaeve's review "too tight" says: Read More »

Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney's, but I guess it wasn't pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge.

The Genitals of the Future
by Paul Frank Read More »

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The reason why my socks smell like weed and my weed smells like laundry detergent is...

I keep my weed in my sock drawer. I know. Surprising. Get over it.