Excuse Me, Sir, But You're Raping Me

Pardon me, sir, I don't mean to be rude, and I hate to be a bother, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it appears that you are raping me right now. Would you mind taking your penis out of my vagina? Okay, no, I didn't mean take it out, then put it back in, then take it out, then put it back in, over and over again. I believe, sir, that you are misunderstanding. In other words, we're not on the same page, so to speak, me and you.

You see, I would rather prefer you cease this forced sexual action, whereas you on the other hand would prefer to continue and are violently moving your hands across my face. You Americans call this a "punch," no?

Sir, please, I am but a modest woman with a meager income and am a single mother of three; you are a stranger who popped out from behind a dumpster in an alley. You seem like you're a compassionate, understanding man. Hey, can you not stomp my teeth, I sorta need those.

Ahhh, how I dreamed about coming to America as a young girl. All I saw were sunny skies, more money than I knew what to do with, and a perfect American MAN. What a comforting fantasy. Oh how many nights I dreamt this wonderful dream....

Now, here I am, finally in America, getting raped in a pile of wet garbage. Now, I'm sorry if that came off as complaining, but surely, sir, you get my point, no?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't complain so much. Getting raped in a pile of cold, old condoms is better than staying in Yugoslavia, as the old phrase goes.

Okay, I realize it is not my place to speak up, here, but sir, this is getting very painful and tiresome. I am bleeding out of at least three orifices now. Would you mind, please, possibly stopping? No rape. No rape. El stop it. Sir.

Sir

SIR

Sir are you even listening to me? Why don't you even look at me, jou...jou... scumbahg? I'm sorry, that was out of line. I just get so worked up, you know?

Sir

Sir please

Sir...are you...permit me for asking...are you...are you...DEAF?

Yes? Yes, you are?! Oh my gee golly that sure explains a lot of things.

Well then most certainly you are to be forgiven for ignoring my pleas. You, why you just simply couldn't hear me. Totally understandable. Heh, I guess I'M the asshole now. I am so sorry. Please I ask you to accept my alology..and get that gun out of my ass.

Stop. Raping. Me. Please sir.

I hope I'm not becoming annoying, but I feel I must continue to ask you to stop raping me since you continue to, well, rape me.

Bloody 'ell, I forgot you're deaf! I feel so stupid! Gee, I am such an idiot! Look at me, asking you over and over to stop raping me and you can't even hear me! My, you certainly have found a raping loophole!

See also:


The best, my good sir, the best.

funny stuff..

Court Sullivan's picture

Loophole! The one hole most rapists overlook! This was awesome.

Jessy Mallette's picture

"Getting raped in a pile of cold, old condoms is better than staying in Yugoslavia, as the old phrase goes."
Funniest shit I've heard all week.

MButterfly's picture

you, good sir, fucking rule. AWESOME.

Draiven's picture

Dude thats the shit lmafo

dude this shit is not funny what are you all fucking high or something and then you go and joke about geting raped thats shit is not fucking funny how would you like to get raped well do you cuz i know i dont all of you guys are is a bunch of fucking dumb ass