I have to get something off my chest. I have this secret that I'm supposed to keep a secret my whole life, for my own protection. I'm not supposed to tell anyone. So it's just me and this secret, staring each other down. Read More »

This is the last time I talk about the 2000's, and don't worry this isn't a political statement, but how have we not found bin Laden yet? Read More »

I thought I was above all these people. I'm not a freak. I'm not poor. Well, I am, but it's college poor. But, come on, I'm not weird as fuck. Well, I am, but it's because I'm a comedian or whatever.

Seriously, why am I even debating this? I'm way above all these people. It's what I've been telling myself every single time I've walked in this store the past 10+ years. Read More »

Life Alert® Personal Medical Emergency Response gives you and your loved ones peace of mind you won't find anywhere else. Life Alert has saved the lives of millions and is becoming the most essential thing to own for seniors over the age of 50. Read More »

I was in class today, and the first thing that threw me off was that it was Business class, but yet, standing in front was a WOMAN. I thought I was in the wrong class at first. Is this the kind of change that Obama fellow was talking about? I don't like it. I do not like it... Read More »

Look, I'm just going to be honest, because that's the kind of person I am. I genuinely try to pretend I'm honest and straightforward. Read More »

I was watching TV today, and all of a sudden, out of like fucking nowhere, a sassy, fast-talking, quirky-almost black lady comes onto my screen. My first thought was "um, do you know someone here? Read More »

This past weekend, I went to Lollapalooza in Chicago. I wore my new shirt, which in big letters, states "Sarah Palin is A Cunt." I knew in this extremely liberal city, the hometown of Barack Obama, that I would not get lynched, but I wasn't expecting so many compliments. Read More »

How do I know there's a God? Because a video of Erin Andrews naked leaked onto the internet, that's how. Erin Andrews is the woman who tries to talk about sports on the TV. Women are great, and sports are great, but put the two together and you get disasters like Erin Andrews, or the WNBA. Read More »

Michael Jackson, the biggest gift to late night talk show hosts and comedians everywhere, died after the world's shortest coma yesterday. But you already knew that because, I swear to God, celebrities are "tweeting" their condolences. What? What is this world coming to? Jesus Fuck.

Michael Jackson died doing what he loved best: dying. Read More »

The other day, I went to my local Wal-Mart Supercenter, and I realized something: walking through a Wal-Mart is more entertaining than television. Give me Aisle 8 of Wal-Mart anyday over Lost. 90% of the people you see at Wal-Mart look like they haven't left their house/trailer for weeks (where they were busy watching Judge Judy knockoff shows and not showering). Read More »

Everytime I go get a haircut, I feel like I'm being interrogated. Someone's got a scissors to your head and they're asking you questions. A lot of questions. Read More »

Hello, my name is Dr. Krishna Charanjit, M.D. You might know me as the premier hip restructure specialist in the world. Read More »

Karma's going to get you. One day Karma's gonna get you. But you're a tough motherfucker, and it's not going to be easy for Karma. Read More »

I was watching tv the other day (not Monday, no, not Tuesday, not Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday, but the other day) when I saw a commercial for Verizon. I had seen this commercial before. Read More »