Wow, it's almost like there's no economic uncertainty, the country isn't in huge debt, the divide between the rich and poor isn't bigger than it's ever been, and global warming isn't slowly killing us all with news like this. I'm neither Democract nor Republican, but I think we can all agree on two things: One, the country is falling apart (or everyone is acting like it is). Read More »

Hi. Okay, so there's a new show on MTV called Skins. I haven't masturbated to seen it yet, but apparently it has teens doing lots of bad things. Like fucking each other and shit. Sounds hot. Sounds like something you'd eat Taco Bell and watch, right? Read More »

What's good, Egyptians?! Sooo...looks like you've come a real long way since the pyramids, huh? Haha, settle down buddy, I'm just fuckin' with you man! 

Seriously though, what are you guys doing later? Ya'll can come riot in my basement if you want. I asked my mom. Read More »

Good morning, my fellow Americans. (applause) Today I stand before you a man ready to die for his country. (applause) I am willing (applause) to sacrifice my own life for the good of others. I pledge that I, Paul Barack Frank, will kill myself to make Progressive Insurance stop running their horribly unfunny and painfully awkward commercials. Read More »

There we were, just me and her, floating in space.

And she wouldn't even have sex with me. Read More »

Late last month, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. An explosion in an offshore drilling operation killed several workers and now every second gallons upon gallons of oil are being shot off into the ocean. Read More »

I slept in today. I didn't shower. I didn't shave. Then again, I don't have any facial hair. The only hair I have is the occasional stray from Miss Latifah's vagina.

Maybe I should start from the beginning.

Hi, I'm Queen Latifah's dildo. Or should I say, hi, I'm Queen Latifah's dildo, but I'm open to other projects. Read More »

Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney's, but I guess it wasn't pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge.

The Genitals of the Future
by Paul Frank Read More »

A middle-aged white man walks into the Department of Motor Vehicles.

He waits in line for what feels like fucking forever until he speaks to the cashier or whatever they're called.

"Can I help you?" she says in her sassy black voice.

"Yes, I'd like to file a complaint." Read More »

SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLD, AFTERNOON

SCOTT: Mom, can I borrow twenty dollars? I want to take Cindy to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Dad hasn't paid me yet for mowing the— Read More »

Today, I thought I was doing my dog a favor, that favor being blowing her fuckin' mind, man. But when I held up a big mirror to her today, she reacted as if I told her (or anyone) that Mark McGuire admitted using steroids.

She was a stone cold bitch, and while I like that in women, I don't in dogs.  Read More »

Hey Tiger Woods' wife, how are you?! How is everything?! How's Tiger doin'?! Didn't he get arm surgery or something a year ago?!

Oh my God, what?! He what?! A car accident?! On Thanksgiving?!

A tree was drunk driving?! You what?! Haha say that again?! You had to use a golf club to get him out?! Ohmigod that's hilarious! Read More »

My editor is making me live blog the new season premiere of Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Join the fun!

Read the archive live blog of Bad Girls Club, Season 4, Episode 1. Read More »

A couple weekends ago, me and my roommates threw a huge kegger at our apartment.

I was minding my own business for a minute, aka peeing in my bathroom with the door closed, when suddenly the door springs open. At this point, I expected a scream or the police. Unfortunately, it was neither. Read More »

Life got you down? Is your parole officer really annoying? Do your kids refuse to look at you or acknowledge your prescence? Read More »