Michael Jackson, the biggest gift to late night talk show hosts and comedians everywhere, died after the world's shortest coma yesterday. But you already knew that because, I swear to God, celebrities are "tweeting" their condolences. What? What is this world coming to? Jesus Fuck.

Michael Jackson died doing what he loved best: dying. Read More »

The other day, I went to my local Wal-Mart Supercenter, and I realized something: walking through a Wal-Mart is more entertaining than television. Give me Aisle 8 of Wal-Mart anyday over Lost. 90% of the people you see at Wal-Mart look like they haven't left their house/trailer for weeks (where they were busy watching Judge Judy knockoff shows and not showering). Read More »

Everytime I go get a haircut, I feel like I'm being interrogated. Someone's got a scissors to your head and they're asking you questions. A lot of questions. Read More »

Hello, my name is Dr. Krishna Charanjit, M.D. You might know me as the premier hip restructure specialist in the world. Read More »

Karma's going to get you. One day Karma's gonna get you. But you're a tough motherfucker, and it's not going to be easy for Karma. Read More »

I was watching tv the other day (not Monday, no, not Tuesday, not Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday, but the other day) when I saw a commercial for Verizon. I had seen this commercial before. Read More »

Today, get this, today I was in the Wal-Mart buying some charcoal, peanut butter, and Q-tips when some jackass faggot from high school says to me (I was wearing my Kane shirt) "hey queer, professional wrestling is fake." Read More »

Yesterday, I was riding in a car with my dad, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Read More »

The other day I was hanging around with my girlfriend, who, unlike me, doesn't spend most of the day thinking about porn, rape, and cocaine. Read More »

Like millions of Americans, I struggle with sleep-related problems ranging from trouble falling asleep to tossing and turning to waking up in the middle of the night.

For whatever reason, it takes me hours to fall asleep. Who knows what causes sleep problems? Stress? Too much caffeine? Just the way things are? Who knows? Read More »

Pardon me, sir, I don't mean to be rude, and I hate to be a bother, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it appears that you are raping me right now. Would you mind taking your penis out of my vagina? Read More »

There will be rare moments in your life (or lack thereof) where you must temporarily abandon the comfortable recesses of your mother's basement. This shall serve as your guide, for you will encounter many dangers upon your journey which you are not familiar with. Read More »

My grandpa always said I could be anything I wanted.

Then again, one day I walked in on him having elaborate sex with my grandma, so his words lost all meaning to me. Read More »

Vaginas get a bad rap. They've been blamed for the current economic crisis, the future panda crisis, and Seal's face. I overhear things everyday to the tune of "oh, vaginas are so 1999," "what have vaginas ever done for the progressive environmental movement?" and "2 vaginas don't make a right." Read More »

Dear Dog the Bounty Hunter's Wife's Boobs,

Wow. FUCKING wow. WOW.

I don't know what to say.

I mean..I just..where do..so..do you..

You guys give new meaning to the term ginormous.  Read More »