SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLD, AFTERNOON

SCOTT: Mom, can I borrow twenty dollars? I want to take Cindy to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Dad hasn't paid me yet for mowing the— Read More »

Today, I thought I was doing my dog a favor, that favor being blowing her fuckin' mind, man. But when I held up a big mirror to her today, she reacted as if I told her (or anyone) that Mark McGuire admitted using steroids.

She was a stone cold bitch, and while I like that in women, I don't in dogs.  Read More »

Hey Tiger Woods' wife, how are you?! How is everything?! How's Tiger doin'?! Didn't he get arm surgery or something a year ago?!

Oh my God, what?! He what?! A car accident?! On Thanksgiving?!

A tree was drunk driving?! You what?! Haha say that again?! You had to use a golf club to get him out?! Ohmigod that's hilarious! Read More »

My editor is making me live blog the new season premiere of Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Join the fun!

Read the archive live blog of Bad Girls Club, Season 4, Episode 1. Read More »

A couple weekends ago, me and my roommates threw a huge kegger at our apartment.

I was minding my own business for a minute, aka peeing in my bathroom with the door closed, when suddenly the door springs open. At this point, I expected a scream or the police. Unfortunately, it was neither. Read More »

Life got you down? Is your parole officer really annoying? Do your kids refuse to look at you or acknowledge your prescence? Read More »

I have to get something off my chest. I have this secret that I'm supposed to keep a secret my whole life, for my own protection. I'm not supposed to tell anyone. So it's just me and this secret, staring each other down. Read More »

This is the last time I talk about the 2000's, and don't worry this isn't a political statement, but how have we not found bin Laden yet? Read More »

I thought I was above all these people. I'm not a freak. I'm not poor. Well, I am, but it's college poor. But, come on, I'm not weird as fuck. Well, I am, but it's because I'm a comedian or whatever.

Seriously, why am I even debating this? I'm way above all these people. It's what I've been telling myself every single time I've walked in this store the past 10+ years. Read More »

Life Alert® Personal Medical Emergency Response gives you and your loved ones peace of mind you won't find anywhere else. Life Alert has saved the lives of millions and is becoming the most essential thing to own for seniors over the age of 50. Read More »

I was in class today, and the first thing that threw me off was that it was Business class, but yet, standing in front was a WOMAN. I thought I was in the wrong class at first. Is this the kind of change that Obama fellow was talking about? I don't like it. I do not like it... Read More »

Look, I'm just going to be honest, because that's the kind of person I am. I genuinely try to pretend I'm honest and straightforward. Read More »

I was watching TV today, and all of a sudden, out of like fucking nowhere, a sassy, fast-talking, quirky-almost black lady comes onto my screen. My first thought was "um, do you know someone here? Read More »

This past weekend, I went to Lollapalooza in Chicago. I wore my new shirt, which in big letters, states "Sarah Palin is A Cunt." I knew in this extremely liberal city, the hometown of Barack Obama, that I would not get lynched, but I wasn't expecting so many compliments. Read More »

How do I know there's a God? Because a video of Erin Andrews naked leaked onto the internet, that's how. Erin Andrews is the woman who tries to talk about sports on the TV. Women are great, and sports are great, but put the two together and you get disasters like Erin Andrews, or the WNBA. Read More »