You were bolt of lightning. For a time I held you in my fist, crackling around my knuckles, snapping at my belt buckle with your forked tongue, vibrating the fillings in my teeth, fusing the change in my pockets. But I let you go, and with you went a seared chunk of myself. Now you are forever lost. Read More »

I have decided to rectify a mistake a made long ago, when I identified the Jews as My "Chosen People." I had high hopes for Abraham and Isaac, but with the exception of Sandy Koufax and Mark Spitz there have been few Jews to justify My distinction. Read More »

The lights of the city cast heavy shadows on me. The weight is burdening. I do not know what to make of this. Hours go by and I find myself aimlessly walking Echo Park. I slip in and out of underpasses, slinking behind homeless men and beautiful women walking dogs. I am a ghost. My eyes blink with the oddity of someone who does not know why he sees. Or what he sees. Read More »

Volunteering sucks. I know this because I was in the honors program for all of a year until I deemed it a pointless waste of time, and one of the program's requirements was volunteering—because there is no better way to help a community than by forcing the nerdy kids to feed undercooked gruel to the overcoked homeless. Okay, cool, I need to find somewhere to donate my time. Read More »

The enemy approaches. I can hear them squeaking against each other. Ten thousand helium balloons, maybe more. It's a bloody shitstorm of fire-retardant latex and iron-plated polychloroprene, self-propelled and broiling into an unstoppable horde just behind the horizon of the battle track. Let them come. Surveying the field, I see we are ready. Read More »

My periodontist asked me to fuck his daughter for him. It was during surgery, a fairly minor procedure. He stuck me with a six-inch dagger of Novocaine and hacked into my gum line to chisel out 30 years of horrific rot. Wiping bloody chunks of flesh onto my lobster bib, he jammed two fingers into my cheek and commenced the interrogation. How old am I? Where do I live? Read More »

My rivals are scheming, looking over their War Boards somewhere beyond the blue mountains, those cold-activated indigo peaks illuminated in the face of my laptop’s glow. Five Coors Light Silver Bullet shell casings lie scattered across my desk, a sixth live round loaded in my hand. I don’t draft sober. Read More »

CERTIFICATE OF AMENDMENT

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THE CERTIFICATE OF DOOFUS Read More »

This morning I set out to reinvent the concept of chili.  Read More »

(Almost the same type of Culture Shock I received upon returning home)  Read More »

I confronted an officer of the United States Postal Service this morning. I spotted him a block away, casing the neighborhood one house at a time in a criss-cross pattern. He stopped at every door. Who is this man? What is his angle? Read More »

There was a car fire under the elevated train. My stop hangs over Hoyt Avenue, and the walkway was choking on metallic smoke. Down on the street some poor bastard kissed the guard rail—longways—and his Audi was dying on the shoulder, gurgling a death rattle, screaming flames at the sky. Read More »

Viva, Voyeurs!

Wells, 2011 was somewhat hit or miss, cinematically speaking. Sure there were some hidden diamonds in the popcorn tub, but the mainstream Hollywood offerings were far more ape-shit than RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. Read More »

The barista crossed me, and now she has to pay. I've outlined a revenge plot on the serviette here. Read More »

There is a place below People Heaven. It’s called Pet Heaven*. Dogs, cats, bunnies, turtles, parakeets, gold fish, hamsters, boa constrictors and many other subservient animals may enter Pet Heaven when they die.

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