Russian woman holding axe

I don’t know about you, because, how could I?—we don’t even know each other. Nothing personal, I just, well like I just said, I don’t know about you.

Anyway, I absolutely love that the same old, white, socially conservative American people who came out against gay marriage are almost always the same people who tell me that if I don’t like the way this country is run then I should move to Russia. I have had a ball these past few days asking bitter social conservatives how they feel about the fact that Russia is banning gays from the Olympics (which, I mean, how would you even do that?). The answers I get are always something along the lines of, "Well, good for Russia. I wish we could do that here."

And then I say, "Well, if you don’t like it you should move to Russia."

And I have a hearty guffaw and move onto more important things like living in a police state where everything I say or do can be spied upon legally by a government that should clearly have better things to do but does not have anything better to do because when you are government your job is to strengthen the power of government and to do that you must know your enemies—I mean, citizens. Yes, that’s it, citizens.

I wonder when the last time Edward Snowden was actually snowed-in somewhere. The longer he stays in Russia, the more likely it is that he’ll get to live out that pun.

I’ll bet Obama and George Bush hang out occasionally and just laugh about how anyone thinks there could possibly be a difference between Republicans and Democrats. We have the same right-reducing Patriot Act under Obama as we did under Bush, we have the same wars, the same illegally detained prisoners of war, we’re still powerless against the global banking cartel, and now we all have to buy health insurance or pay a fine. Really, the only difference between the two parties is that one is more likely to smoke a joint with a black man than is the other.

RELATED:  Picking them Conversation Piece Games

Speaking of smoking with black men, I was at a barbecue the other day and introduced to a dish called the Zimmerman. It was nothing special: just a big chicken.

It has been over sixty years, people, and we still do not know who put the bop in the bop shoo wop shoo wop. What the hell has the FBI been doing all these years? As I understand it, there is a hand to be shaken over this.

Eagles WR Riley Cooper got in trouble for being overtly racist at a Kenny Chesney concert. I mean, if you can’t be overtly racist at a Kenny Chesney concert, where in the hell can you be overtly racist? It’s as if this country is progressing or something.

And finally because it’s so awesome and I love doing it, I leave you with the following line I overheard myself say the other day:

"Our government can spy on you as much as they like and if you don’t like it you can move to Russia!"

Suggested Next