If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard someone start a phrase with "If I had a nickel," I honestly could not even give you an estimate the number of nickels I would have but it would be way too many nickels for one person to hold and be all walking around flinging nickels at homeless people, that’s for damn sure.

Homeless guy on a US nickelThe greatest compliment you can give a person on their appearance involves masturbation and eye contact. People forget the eye contact part. Proper manners are a thing of the past, I’m afraid.

I recently discovered that steaming leftover meat is much tastier than microwaving leftover meat. I told about seven people this and to a person they didn’t give one pellet-sized shit.

If you really want to know if you and your family are beloved in your community, kill yourself with a gun and see if the cops write it up as an accident. That’s the only way you can know for sure.

Sometimes I watch Blue Bloods and pretend I’m 70 years old and very afraid. It’s really the only way to watch that show.

I never correct racists when they say racist shit. It’s much easier to just wait a couple of hours and rat them out to the nearest black person. More entertaining too.

About once every couple of months or so I buy a soda so I can feel like a child again. It never works. Now that I see that in print, it’s probably a shitty plan.

I can’t grow a beard so I’ll never be a hipster. My genetics are once again holding me back from being cool. It’s like basketball camp all over again.

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And finally, because logic and fluidity are busy chucking nickels onto rooftop city gardens, I leave you with the following, which I overheard in a local bar:

"Now that the Cardinals are mathematically eliminated, I guess I can start giving a shit about my students."

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