Picking Them Week Three Games and Doing No Worse than Ed

Yesterday, I hit my good friend Scotty the Handicapper in the back of the head (I've been watching too much NCIS).  Why did I do this, you never asked?

Because he cockblocked me without even meaning to. 

Nikki wasn't working (we'll touch on that in a moment) and Amanda the Bartender watched as I conversed with a cute chick up at Peabody's.  Her name was Stevie, and when she told me at once I could see her eyes begin to water and her posture tighten, awaiting the inevitable smartass comment about her name. 

She got no such comment from me. 

You see, people love their names.  And screwing with someone's name when you don't know them is an especially great way to upset a person. 

She was a smart chick, too.  Seemed pretty strong-willed and was definitely hot, so as the conversation progressed, I introduced her to Scotty (Stevie was too my left, Scotty was too my right).

"Scotty, this is Stevie," I said. 

"Stevie?" He chuckeld.  "Like Stevie Nicks?"

As Stevie walked away in disgust and Amanda shook her head while saying, "Like she hasn't heard that a million times," I hit Scotty in the back of the head. 

He didn't deserve it, but I did it anyway. 

Why do I bring this up?

Because I guarantee you that I felt exactly like the entire San Diego Charger fan base when Ed Hoculi choked that fumble call.

And I think everyone in Diego should get to take turns hitting that muscle bound Zebra in the back of the head.  Even if it was an honest mistake, Hoculi still celebration-blocked them.  That ain't right. 

On to the picks.  Home teams in CAPS.   

Chiefs (-5.5) over FALCONS

Despite Herm Edwards uselessness and the introduction of yet another new QB on yet another lousy Chiefs team, I'm still in the "Atlanta's first week was a freaking fluke" mode.  And since I have nothing to add, I just want to point out some things about doing the old game-picking this week. 

First, Nikki (who won again last week by the way) called in her picks from a moving car on her way to some kind of girls-weekend-out, faux bachelorette party in Orlando (just so none of you doubt her dedication to kicking our asses) and second, Scotty and his girlfriend had the following conversation in front of me:

Scotty:  I had to help Nate with the football picks. 

Julie:  And you have to do this in bar?

Needless to say, Scotty's girl loves me very much. 

Cardinals (+3) over REDSKINS

Did you know that if you beat the devil in a few chance games you get to reclaim your soul and make a second deal?  Kurt Warner did. 

Nikki went the other way on this one.  And when that happens, I start to doubt my picks. 

Texans (+5) over TITANS

When you replace a mobile, black quarterback with a racist, white pocket passer, what exactly happens to the team mentality?  I'm going out on a limb and saying: nothing good. 

Again, Nikki dissented. 

BILLS (-10.5) over Raiders

Okay everybody.  You win. The Bills are for real.  I believe you all now.  Shut up.  I'm right there on the bandwagon.  They're a good team.  And I was wrong.  How many times do I have to tell you wing-munchers I'm sorry? 

Random quote from Nikki:

"It's harder for me to make my picks without having Scotty nearby saying the wrong things about NFL teams."

And yes, I'm trying to start a feud. 

Buccaneers (+3) over BEARS

If you ever played defense on any football team at any level, you will probably love this game.  If you like high scoring games with pinpoint passing and sexy offensive calls, you will fall asleep during this game. Should be lots of hard hits though.  And that's always nice. 

I told Scotty I thought the Bucs would win this one 7-3; he turned it around and said the Bears would win this one 7-3.  The over/under (combined points totals for you non gamblers out there) is 35. For those who don't know, that's a low over/under.  Also for those who don't know, that may not be low enough for this game. 

Panthers (+3) over VIKINGS

I'm the only one who picked the Panthers on this one.  Nikki hemmed and hawed before going with the Vikes and Scotty thought the removal of Tavaris "you wasted what number draft pick on me?" Jackson would motivate this team.  Whatever's clever.  It's hard for me to get excited for a game featuring Gus Frerotte. 

But I can always get excited for my weekly, "People, Places or Things I would like to see Steve Smith Fight" List.  This week, I am going with one of those giant Galapagos tortoises, mainly because I think such a match up would be funny looking. 

GIANTS (-14) over Bengals

Nikki and I figured the Giants were a no-brainer.  Scotty, on the other hand, thinks that Cincy will be playing their minds out to avoid starting 0-3.  This is where I pointed out that though Scotty has made a lot of money picking college games this year, his NFL work has not been too impressive. 

"NFL stands for No Fucking Logic when it comes to gambling, dude."

Well then...

PATRIOTS (-14) over Dolphins

"I'm telling you," said Scotty (the only one of us to back the Dolphins) Cassel really sucks. 

Okay then...

BRONCOS (+5) over Saints

If you had to pick two American cities with more than a million people... I mean, could you pick two more different cities than Denver and New Orleans?  I can't think of one thing they have in common. 

That being said, I just want to say to Ed Hoculi that one time I was umpiring a baseball game and I got distracted by a hot chick in the stands and missed a pop up and called the batter out even though the fielder dropped it.  I know how you feel, Ed.  But you cost me and Scotty a pick last week.  So I'm still using this chunk of time and space to point out that your brain may not be the smartest organ in your body.  Try using your pancreas next time.  You look like you diet. 

Asshole. 

I mean seriously, you're a professional, Ed.  They pay you and stuff. 

(Side note: I got bored pointing out unanimous picks so from this week on, if it's unanimous, I will not be pointing out.  Thought you should know.)

Lions (-4) over 49ERS

Did you see the anger Lions' fans possessed in last week's choke fuck of a game?  I mean, my god!  The entire city of Detroit needs Prozac like yesterday.  A pissed off fan even threw his hundred dollar jersey on the field.  Here's a real life comparison of that display:

One time, I was in a strip club and this really ugly girl kept bugging me for lap dances so I paid her twenty bucks to "Go away and never come back."  She cried, but so what?  She was twenty dollars richer and I felt better about myself. 

Hey Millen, when your fans actually feel better by throwing away their team merchandise in disgust than they do when wearing it, that's a slight hint that you... well you suck. 

Seriously, dude.  Quit. 

Rams (+11) over SEAHAWKS

Scotty went the other way on this one.  I don't know why Nikki went with the Rams (it may have been a bad phone connection) but I know why I did.

When I talked to my Dad (a Rams' fan) yesterday, he actually sounded upbeat about this game.  I asked him if he thought the Rams would cover and he said, "We might even win" with the kind of enthusiasm that a little kid uses to express joy over receiving free candy. 

Oh, and congratulations to the Oakland Raiders for winning a game and handing the title of worst team in the NFL to the fine people of St. Louis. 

Browns (+1) over RAVENS

Nikki went the other way on this one.  And since I can't think of one funny thing about this game, here's a line that Scotty uses on an all too regular basis to describe my drinking. 

"It's like, you love to drink... but you're just no good at it."

I have a tendency to get out of hand. 

Steelers (+3) over EAGLES

Nikki went the other way on this one as well (she picked a lot of home teams this week). 

I would like to now take the time to just say that the Eagles/Cowboys game last Monday night was THE BEST FREAKING REGULAR SEASON NFL GAME I"VE SEEN IN A LONG DAMN TIME.  It's just too bad Jessica Simpson couldn't be there to fellate Jerry Jones in the owner's box.  I mean, that would have made for one seriously compelling sports drama... but with an added twist. 

Yeah, I'm sick.  What can you do?

Jaguars (+5) over COLTS

Nikki picked the Colts. 

Here's something that pisses me off.  Yesterday, there was a soldier drinking up at Peabody's Bar in uniform.  I offered to buy him a drink and thanked him for serving.  He said that he could not drink because he was in uniform. 

Holy freaking horseshit!

If it's true that members of the armed forces cannot drink in uniform (I've seen many do it before), I move that said rule be immediately amended to allow for the consumption of free drinks.  Turning down free alcohol is an attitude pervasive among terrorists and not the way of the good ole U S of A (Motto:  Only eight million more payments and it's ours).  I think we, as a nation, can agree on this. 

Cowboys (-3) over PACKERS

Scotty picked "The Schnoz" with the words, "Favre could never beat Dallas.  Maybe this gonzo nose can."

For a guy who won several thousand dollars betting football last week, Scotty was in kind of a pissy mood yesterday at the bar. 

Jets (+10) over CHARGERS

Nikki went with San Diego on this one.  And they are a much better team than the Jets but well, how much more hardship can Diego take before they just realize that this ain't their year?  Hoculi literally added insult to the Chargers' injuries last week.  That kind of sting will stay with a team.  The Chargers are really and truly just low on luck, which is why I'm predicting that this week they lose by one point when some kind of vulture interferes with a field goal. 

Try putting odds on that one, Vegas. 

Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week

Each week, Scotty the Handicapper will relay to you one game he is betting on and why.  Last week, he predicted that USC would cover against Ohio "Please take us seriously" State and was right.  By a lot. 

This week he wrestled with his prediction a little longer than usual, finally settling on the University of Florida, seven point favorites against the Tennessee Volunteers.  I didn't get a chance to ask him why because he texted me his pick today after a little deliberation. 

Last week, Scotty went five for six on his college bets, ponying up big time on Georgia (which he bought down to 6.5) and USC.  If he didn't owe so much money to lawyers, I'd be hitting him up for a loan right about now.  Dude knows his NCAA. 

Your Obligatory USF Homerism

Last week against Kansas, USF played one decent quarter of football (the third) and it was enough to win.  Watching USF against a ranked opponent is like watching that sword fight in "The Princess Bride."  It's back and forth craziness.  I swear, at one point in the game, QB Matt Groethe informed the Kansas defense that he was not left-handed either. 

And not for nothing, but having someone who can kick an occasional field goal really adds something to the USF offense.  I know it seems obvious to a lot of you but well... yeah, I got nothing.  The game was won by a field goal, which was kicked by our kicker.  Crazy, I know.  But if other teams can do it, why not us, right?

This week, USF plays Florida International University on the other coast.  If FIU wins that game, I will voluntarily chew off one of my fingernails.   

USF is 28.5 favorites over FIU.  This is the part where I point out that USF hasn't covered a spread all year.  And that's fine.  So long as they keep winning.  

Go Bulls!

Last Week:

Nikki: 8-6-1

Me:  6-8-1

Scott:  4-10-1

Overall Record:

Nikki:18-12-1

Me: 12-18-1

Scott: 12-18-1

Yes, Nikki is still kicking our collective butts.  But can she do it from a moving car?

Enjoy the games, football fans.