The Investor's Coroner: The One Where Ross Gets Anally Raped

Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, an attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while contemplating suicide by way of Jack Daniels.

It is the goal of the Investor's Coroner to make you laugh, help you learn and just generally bitch and eventually learn Spanish. Really, we're gonna take a course and everything.

China's Leaders Know More About Finance than Ours Do

Wow, screw the foreplay with this one. Let's take direct quotes from Rueters:

"Yu Yongding, a former adviser to the central bank, said in an interview on Feb. 10 that the [United States] should seek guarantees that its Treasury holdings won't be eroded by 'reckless policies.'"

That Yongding? Always asking for guarantees. What a funny old Asian.

"The U.S. trade deficit and the government's 'nearly unrestricted' borrowing led to excess liquidity worldwide and 'sowed the seeds' of the financial crisis, the People's Bank of China said in a report today."

Wow, it's like the fastest developing country in the world knows a little about finance. Who knew?

"China is worried that the U.S. may solve its problems by printing money, which will stoke inflation,' said Zhao Qingming, a Beijing-based analyst at China Construction Bank Corp., the country's second-biggest lender. ‘If the U.S. can make sure this won't happen, then China will continue to invest."

I know this sounds anti-American but I really wish our leaders would take financial advice from China. Now, human rights advice... well, that's another story completely.

AIG Does Not Know what Retention Means

In order to sneak hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayer money into the hands of their rich executives, AIG renamed their bonuses "retention pay plans" (because bonuses weren't allowed, see?). Apparently, something like seventy or so of those who received retention pay quit AIG shortly after receiving their cash, which is... bullshit? Yes, bullshit. I'm going with bullshit.

So anyway, AIG's collaterized debt obligations were not collaterized, their mortgage backed securities were not secured, their bank company insurance policies did not insure and now their retention bonuses did not retain. I think I understand the problem: AIG doesn't speak English. May need to take a course or something.

Internet Claims Another Pulp-Based News Thingy

I always found the people of Seattle to be hip snobs with an overreaching sense of their own intelligence, so it figures that they'd be one of the first to dump a major newspaper. After all, they all have I-Phones and Kindles anyway, so why get your fingers all inky?

"After 146 years, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer breathed its dying breath after its owner, Hearst Corp, lost patience with losses that hit $14m last year due to plummeting advertising revenue and a dwindling circulation."

Their website, however, will stay up, which makes me wonder: eighty years from now will the Seattle Post Intelligencer still say it's been around those aforementioned 146 years or will they start from the inaugural day of their website? I vote for keeping the paper days in the age count so years from now younger generations will think that the internet pre-dates the automobile. But that's just me. I'm an optimist.

And a little drunk.

Mark to Market and the Funky Bunch

The US government wants to get rid of mark-to-market rules (valuing stuff at what stuff is currently worth) in favor of changes that would give companies more leeway to value assets based on what they'd be worth under more normal trading conditions (my niece, ironically enough, uses the euphemism "more normal trading conditions" to describe her mental "happy place").

This reminds me of something my Grandfather used to say: "You can call a girl a whore all you want, but that don't mean she'll take your money."

The US Government: Confusing the Perceived with the Actual Since 1913.

Department of Redundancy Department

Citigroup was fined $2million by the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) for trading violations. Citi then immediately asked the government for another $2million just, well, you know, for... stuff. Basically, FINRA is fining the American taxpayer for Citi's mistakes. And sadly, in this new economic environment, that seems... fair? Wow, we really are living in a time of lowered expectations.

Federal Reserve Tells Future to Go to Hell

Okay, okay, check this out and tell me you don't love the government. The Federal Reserve (Motto: America's Favorite Cartel) has agreed to print money out of nothing, essentially increasing inflation and decreasing the value of the dollar, so they can use the newly created money to buy US Treasuries (because other countries don't want to buy them because they're not all stupid) and overvalued toxic debt obligations. By printing money from nothing to invest in America, America is essentially making it look like someone's buying something when they're not. If you buy yourself a birthday present, that doesn't make it a gift. Also, by investing what is essentially our purchasing power in bad debts, the government is sending a clear message: fuck the dollar, fuck the future and fuck the taxpayer.

What was wrong with the gold standard again?

Anyway, here's why I love the logic. The fed essentially is printing money out of nothing (which increases inflation) so they can purchase treasuries (the yields of which have not kept up with inflation), which means that the Fed is spending a shit ton of money to fail to keep pace with the fed's own spending. Epic fucking fail, Federal Reserve. Epic.

New Innovations Still Better than Newborn Children

Scientists have developed a handheld laser that can destroy millions of mosquitoes a second and also makes surprisingly tasty curly fries. Researchers hope that they will have killed all the mosquitoes in the entire world because they were repeatedly bitten as children and dammit, those things hurt. Oh, also something about curing malaria. That's important too, I suppose.

Deathswitch.com is offering a very interesting service. For $50, they will send out an email message for you if you die, thereby making it possible to fuck with your little brother one last time. Ah, technology.

Your Motivational Investment Quotes of the Week

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

--Winston Churchill