Baseball Clichés Explained

In honor of baseball season, and the fact that no other worthwhile sports are currently playing, I am going to help all of you casual baseball fans understand just what the overpaid idiot announcers are babbling on about while the games are played.  The following confusing clichés and baseball terms are stated over and over again and their true meanings are never clarified.  That's why I'm here.  Well that and the porn.  You gotta love the porn. 

He's a gritty gamer who plays the game the right way.

Basically, if you hear the words "gritty", "gamer", "heart" or "plays the game the right way" what you are really being told by the announcer is: "He is small and white."

He's a hardnosed player.

He's an asshole who happens to be white. 

He's a bit mercurial.

He's an asshole who happens to be black. 

He's a true Yankee.

He played on the Yankees when they won a world series. 

His power numbers are down significantly. 

He just quit steroids. 

He's a contact hitter.

He's not very strong and he doesn't strike out much.

He coaches to match-ups.

This manager changes pitchers too much. 

He's had some off the field issues.

He's on drugs and his women are all crazy. 

He's got an explosive personality.

He is Milton Bradley. 

This guy is clutch.

The announcer saw this guy hit a late inning homerun once. 

He's not comfortable at the plate.

He's not hitting well right now. 

He's having trouble spotting his fastball. 

He's losing another game. 

He loves hitting in this park.

He has a lot of hits in this park.

He is one of the all time great managers in this game.

He's been around for a while and hasn't been fired four times. 

He may not be the biggest guy...

He sucks. 

He helps the team in a lot of little ways.

He sucks.

He's scrappy.

He sucks. 

I tell you, sometimes I just don't know what, if anything, he is thinking.

He is Manny Ramirez.

He's got catcher's speed. 

He is slow. 

Speed never slumps. 

At least he is fast.

I talked with him before the game...

I am an announcer and I can talk to these people pretty much whenever I want and nothing that follows the word "game" will have anything to do with anything ‘cause I just wanted to tell you how cool I am.

We're hoping he can bounce back.

He needs to stop sucking and/or being hurt. 

There's only one October. 

Dane Cook is a douche. 

He's known around the league for his excellent cooking skills. 

Tim McCarver is babbling. 

He has a handle on the intangibles.

Tim McCarver is still talking. 

He knows what it means to play it from his guts. 

Tim McCarver should really just retire. 

The entire team just hasn't been consistent.  What they need to do is find a way to get the right people to teach that consistency.  Consistency is the key.  Although sometimes, it is difficult to be consistent.  But that doesn't make it any less important. 

Basically, if you hear the word consistent more than once a sentence, Joe Morgan is talking and you would be wise to avert your ears. 

We'll work more on this as the season progresses.  I left many out because I think this is enough for starters.  Enjoy the rest of the season, party people.  So far, it seems like a good one. 

Don't like baseball?  Want to read a book about sex, drugs and weird conversations?  Buy The Snippets and the Impure Tour.  It's good.