Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney’s, but I guess it wasn’t pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge.

The Genitals of the Future
by Paul Frank

We are reaching a new age as humans. We are in the midst of an evolution revolution. As technology increases at an exponential rate, predicting the future gets harder and harder. But one thing is for sure: It will be fucking crazy.

And as we develop new ways of improving everything from our communication possibilities with others to chemical imbalances in our heads, why should big Dick & the twins and our tuna tacos be any different?

We are advancing so fast we are literally killing ourselves, leaving our old bodies behind. The smelly, hairy genitals of today will be just a sweet memory of the past, reminisced about while sipping a cold lemonade on a breezy summer night on your porch. Your porch on your fuckin’ moon castle, that is.

As the human mind evolves to process an ever-increasing onslaught of complex data, and as constant medical improvements and discoveries increase our life expectancy, leading us toward imminent immortality, our penises and our vaginas must follow suit. So come with me on a journey as we explore our bodies, as we ponder what the phallus and cooters of the future will look, feel, smell, taste, and talk like.

While currently only serving the purpose of a mere repository for refuse or a source of entertainment for one night only, the meat wallet will have improved drastically by as soon as 2025. For example, the Hair Growth settings can eliminate the need for daily shaving. You are shaving every day, aren’t you?

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Let’s delve further into your vagina. Forget your vagina as it is currently. For your vagina is temporary, a mere portal to the past. Soon your vagina as you know it will cease to exist. Periods will become less and less frequent as the menstrual cycle will either be outsourced to India or will take place on a server. That’s why the tampon industry is fervently against advances in the snatch. Don’t you see? They’ll be out of money and out of jobs if these technological and biological improvements are made. But we must fight the power. We must not let these tampon companies always tell us what to do!

The last feature of your future vagina that I will gently touch upon here is the Baby Showcase that will come standard on all 1st-generation vaginas. After a brief handful of sperm are uploaded into your vagina at conception, you will be able to view a helpful Powerpoint slideshow with pictures of your possible children along with some basic info such as their hobbies and a summary of their genes. If you’re not happy with any of them, move the fetus drafts to your Recycle Bin and continue "surfing the Web."

Which brings us to the penis. The schlong of tomorrow will be designed to hit the most pleasurable spots of the vagina with laser-like accuracy. And no more of the old “only 1 out of 100 million sperm make it.” That is horribly inefficient, like a card catalog at a library. The self-aware penis will be able to systematically sort and analyze at a rate of 30,000 sperms per second (SPS), only presenting the very best sperm to be transferred to the vagina via Bluetooth or thumb drive.

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Someday we will look back at pictures of our genitalia today. And we’ll laugh. What were we doing with those silly, outdated vaginas? And those dongs, they looked so cheesy! Then we’ll scoff at our former selves, long and hard. We will continue to scoff, until asked politely to please stop scoffing, it’s waking the neighbors.

In other words, these aren’t your grandpa’s balls.

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