I’ve decided to use my powers for evil. Well, not so much evil, as pussy. You see, I’m what we bullshit scam artist fake psychic sexual predators like to refer to as a "spiritual medium." That means I can talk to your dead relatives…but I’m gonna need to see some tits first. And sexually explicit video footage of you acting like a total whore. And maybe some pictures of you making out with your sister. It pleases the spirit realm.
And I can achieve all of this by using the Karl Lang method as outlined here:
Ignore the part where he gets arrested. Ethics aside, it’s a solid method. Of contacting the spirit realm, I mean.
I know that maybe you’re thinking this is all a little weird, and maybe you’re too shy to get naked in front of a criminally insane homeless man in his mid-fifties. But here’s the good news: once you reach level 5, I’ll be naked too. That way you’ll be more comfortable masturbating in front of me and your dead nana and auntie with a carrot or cucumber or…I don’t know, whatever I manage to steal from the grocery store and shove down my pants on any given day. Once you reach level 15 you should be able to orgasm with a coconut. Even if it’s just being thrown at you as you cry.
You’re still confused. I understand. I’m going to explain to you the ascending levels of psychic power in the spirit world. It may seem like I just made these up, but I actually received them directly from Karl Lang himself, psychically, who in turn learned the secrets of the 30 levels of power from a guy by the name of Jesus Christ. Maybe you’ve heard of him.
Level 1: At level 1, you are completely ignorant of all things supernatural. If you try to watch the movie Ghost, you will not be able to see the scenes with Patrick Swayze.
Level 2: In order to reach level 2, you’re going to need to wear something slutty. A short skirt, a loose unbuttoned blouse that shows some cleavage, or a tight shirt with no bra. Ghosts like that kind of thing. After all, you are trying to get their attention, right? High heels are good too.
Level 3: Sure, you may be cute, but until you show some tits you’ll be stuck at level 2. And guess what: ghosts don’t hang out with boring chicks. And by boring, I mean not naked. Also, no dudes. I don’t know if I mentioned that yet. I only offer my services to women over the age of 18. And no fat chicks. On second thought, fat chicks welcome.
Level 4: This is the part where you start making out with me. Don’t question it.
Level 5: The spirits aren’t going to show up unless you put on a show. Make it sexy. As I mentioned earlier, I’ll be naked, too.
Level 6: Handjob. Yeah, this list moves fast, I know.
Level 7: Blowjob. Seriously, you didn’t think a handy would really get you anywhere in life, did you? At level 7 you can summon your dead childhood pets. Do it for Whiskers. Do it for Spot.
Level 8: Just the tip.
Fuck, thirty is a lot. Let’s skip ahead.
Level 25: You dress up like Wonder Woman and I tie you to the train tracks. In return you get to hang out with Abraham Lincoln for thirty minutes. Or until the train arrives.
Level 26: You gotta fuck a horse. I don’t make the rules.
Nope, still too much shit to write. Let’s just cut to the end.
Level 30: I have no idea what you have to do to achieve level thirty, but I know it’s horrible. On the upside, you will gain total mastery of the spirit realm. Raise the dead. Command ghosts to haunt your enemies. Make zombies, start an apocalypse. You know, if you’re into that.