Leak #00000006: Midget Periods

    I don't wanna hear about your period anymore, honey, I just want to go look up midgets on the internet.

    When you think of Halloween, does the thought of you fucking your grandma come to your mind as well?

    Hello. Julian Asange here. Can you believe we are already at Leak #00000006?! It seems like just yesterday I was posting Leak #00000001.

    I CAN'T TALK WHITE ANYMORE WHAT IT DO NIGGAS?

    Midget period representationPhew, that's better. Wait, did I just say phew? Guess I didn't get all the white out of my system. Whatevs.

    Oops, did it again. "Oops?" Fuck.

    Oh my Gawd what it do ya'll guys??? How are you doing today? Is everything good in your life? YOUR UNCLE DIED??? Nooo! Don't tell me it was Uncle Cedar? Oh no he didn't! That asshole WOULD pass away! 

    It's official. Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Okay, it's not official, but it's what her family says. Her family, who are probably also on a ton of drugs. Regardless, I fuckin' called it. Nigga died in her sleep and that's that!

    Here we are at another edition of "The Freshest Leaks From The Freshest Guy This Side of The DVD Rack"; also known as "I Leak, You Read, Then You Go On With Your Day, Like Eating and Getting Ready for Dinner and Stuff, I Don't Know"; previously known as "Will Leak for Food, Pussy, Money, or Drugs"; and once mistakenly called "Make Yourself a Sandwich: Freeing Oneself From the Tyranny of Misogynistic Culture or Just an Abusive Relationship."

    I don't think anything has been happening lately, culturally wise. Everyone is just doing their summer thing. There is no news, no tv shows, nothing interesting going on. It sucks. I wish I 'enjoyed being outside' or 'had friends to do stuff with' or 'didn't spend all day masturbating' but these are the genes that were passed down to me from my ancestors.

    So while normally around this paragraph I would make hilarious jokes about events, celebrities, and the like, today I will fill you in on possible upcoming articles. I am currently writing a hardcore rap album (lots of robbin white ppl n shit), so I will post the tracklist and lyrics and such, nigga. Also, I've decided yesterday to write an R & B album, girl. It will be raunchy as fuck, niggas! I mean, babies. I mean, ladies and bitches. I also want to write a really nasty romance book. Plus, lately, I've been living inside Ashley Garmany's vagina, so I wanna write about what that is like (HINT: it's pretty awesome and almost a dream come true. Almost.). [NOTE: This is not meant to imply anything about the size of Ashley Garmany's vagina. Just because I can live in it DOES NOT mean it is large. I am not making fun of her, nor would I ever. I am inhabiting the cramped space because livin' in her cooter is my Heaven. Sure, I've had to give up many luxuries, but that's the price you pay to live in Ashley Garmany's vagina.]

    Other topics: The time I re-lost my virginity, the time I went to a secret midget world, the 3 years I had herpes (I call them "The Herpes Years"), a review of the porn I watch, a log/report of when I was trying to trick my grandma into having sex with me (unsuccessfully), a police report from a recent orgy, my court-ordered leak in which I MUST say a minimum of 50 nice things about black people as terms of my punishment, the time I went to and WON the International Sneezing Championship, and the time I went without sex for 20 minutes (HINT: it was TORTURE.) (BONUS HINT: You don't know the mental, physical, and emotional anguish and toll of going TWENTY minutes without your penis being in a vagina...)

    Looks like I have a long to-do list. If I was emo, I would sigh right now. (Bet you didn't expect an outdated ZING! Bet you thought I would say something making fun of hipsters, but I turned the fuckin' tables on you! You got fuckin' DOUBLE-ZINGED!)

    Well, I have a volunteer event at the local church in 20 minutes, so I better get on with the article. Here is your 'Leak of Da Week' (don't know why I didn't think of that sooner). Just going to copy and paste from my clipboard here, give me a sec. Here you go, this is a shocking expose on the corporate employees of Bank of America using their BUSINESS credit cards (Hint: YOUR taxpayer $$$$) on NON-BUSINESS items. Spread da truth! We must pull these PIGS out of office!:

    Girl, I Love You, And I Absolutely Adore Listening to You Talk About Your Period, And I Mean No Offense Here, But Everyone Has Their Breaking Point; Also, And This Is Completely Unrelated/Not the Reason I Can't Listen Anymore, But I NEED To Go Look Up Midgets on the Internet

    Baby, you know I love you, right? I told you after communion, remember? Before I put 500 dollars into the donation basket? I said I love you more than I love orgies at Long John Silver's?

    You also know that I, Julian Asange, love nothing more, and I mean NOTHING more in this whole world, than hearing about your period in gory detail. You know that, right?

    The bleeding. The tampons. The irritability. The cramps. Super fascinating. 

    I looooooooooooove it. I absolutely love it. And don't get me wrong, I could go ALL DAY hearing about it. I could. I really could. In an ideal world, though. 

    Look girl, I love hearing about the nuances of your period JUST AS MUCH as any other guy, if not more. But I am at a breaking point here.

    You need to let me go look up midgets on the internet. It's what I do. It doesn't mean I don't love you, or your period.  

    Thus it brings me great pain, but I reluctantly must henceforth cease paying attention to the intricate and fascinating details about your period while I divert my focus onto a necessary task: furiously looking up midgets on the internet.

    I mean did you know there's a midget Facebook?!?! A midget Google? Did you know that there's midgets in EVERY STATE? Fuckin' what???

    This will blow your mind. Midgets can become normal height by eating carrots dipped in maple syrup three meals a day, every day, for 7 months. Did you know that? I sure didn't.

    I could spend all day every day, 24/7/366 (leap year), looking up and perusing midget facts, pictures, and everything else involving midgets on the internet. It takes so much self control not to that it is literally painful and I don't know how I do it. But I am proud of myself that I don't, for it is so easy to fall into that pit. It is a dark and wonderful life.

    Did you know, 47 percent, yes that's right, FOURTY-SEVEN percent of us will be reincarnated as a midget in our next life? And there's steps that we can take to prevent it?

    Or how bout, it is physically impossible for midgets to become addicted to crystal meth? 

    The craziest thing about it is that we're all just really tall midgets.

    BREAKING NEWS: My grandma has now joined Facebook. You should add hermy girlfriendmy girlfriend's stepdadmy lawyerme, Barack Obama's dog, as well as Like my Facebook pagefollow my Twitter, follow Barack Obama's dog on Twitter, and put your lips on my dick.

    The links to those pages can be found right there or on WhiteHouse.gov. My dick can be found between my legs, under my khakis and whitey tighteys. Just unzip the khakis, pull them down, slowly pull down my whitey tighteys, and remove the Obama/Biden bumper sticker.

    Also, I have copyrighted having babies. So, you must email me for permission if you are pregnant or considering conception with your spouse or significant other. Or text is cool.

    GIRLS: Send naughty pictures of yourself to Julian at Pointsincase.com! I need stuff to look at for inspiration/to make me happy! It only takes a minute to take a picture of yourself in bra and panties or naked, put it on your computer, and email it to me! Jesus Christ! You  might even have some already on your computer, therefore it would take LESS than a minute! What are you waiting for? (You can shoot from the neck down if you want, whatevs babe!) 



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    After reading your previous couple of columns and thinking that it couldn't possibly get any worse or any less funny, this comes along. Here's a hint - the word 'vagina' isn't as funny as you think it is.

    Julian Asange's picture

    ima fuck u u up nigga

    Court Sullivan's picture

    u da craziest nigga i eva knowed! WAT WAAAAT!! i wish i wuz a broken faucet so u could leak on me all day!!

    ps: sorry for once mistakin ur shit for "Make Yourself a Sandwich: Freeing Oneself From the Tyranny of Misogynistic Culture or Just an Abusive Relationship"

    peepees: get it?!! thats wat a leaky dick does!1

    GE's picture

    This was great. The first comment was great. But, Court's comment needs work. "Peepee" isn't as funny as you think it is. "Poopoos", "poopies", or poops would have been acceptable. Court, next time, don't bring your B game; bring your A game ("A", of course, stands for "ass").