Leak #00000001: Intro to the JDogg, aka Julian Brosange

'Ello, 'ello, fatherfuckers! It is I, the late, great Julian Asange! 

I mean..Hello, my name is Julian Asange, D.D.S., CPA, DTF; CEO and COO of the world-famous WikiLeaks Corporation, LLC.

Wait, let me start over. What it do, America? It's yo boy, the mothafuckin J to the mothafuckin U to the mothafuckin L to the mothafuckin I to the muthafuckin A to the mothafuckin N to the mothafuckin A to the muthafuckin S to tha muthafukin S to the muddafukk'n A to the...shit, I lost my place.

Hi, you can call me JDogg (not related to Nate Dogg RIP homey) AKA JNuts AKA JSange AKA J. Diddy AKA Julian Brosange AKA Brolian Asange AKA BroBro McDickBalls AKA CheeseNuts AKA Sweet Juli AKA RollerCoasterDick AKA Uncle Dick Tickler the 3rd.

How bout......Hey hey hey ya'al! Wanna see some confidential documents? About banks and shit? Yea, I know you do. Yeaaaa.

Sorry for all the introductions but I want to make sure I make a good first impression...First impressions are important...One bad first impression and you could be working at McDonald's and sleeping with an internet activist who spends his time trying to create open governments, being a whistleblower, and tryin to get his whistle blown...Actually that wouldn't be so bad...Except for the working at McDonald's part...But if you didn't work at McDonald's in the first place, you would've never met that whistleblower who orders six Happy Meals, 10 Shamrock Shakes, and your number...And like your boss always told you, "if a customer sexually harasses you, go with it."

Do you guys like to party? I like to party! I once masturbated in a Bed Bath and Beyond to Sarah Palin's book while brushing my teeth!! I like to party! 

Anyways, I just came from the White House and boy is my dick tired! Michelle Obama really knows how to please a guy..as long as that guy brings several boxes of Macaroni & Cheese. Nothing drops Michelle Obama's panties like a couple box of Kraft mac and cheese...I was on To Catch a Predator because of it once ("what's in your pockets, sir?" "macaroni and cheese" "you really expect me to believe you didn't intend to do anything with the First Lady, then?" "I'm sorry") ... ("I was just going to talk to her?" "(reads from chat log) 'I want to feed you mac and cheese' Doesn't make you look good, does it, Julian?" "No, Chris Hansen, it doesn't.")...More on that later...On a somewhat related note, I'm really concerned about the First Dog of the United States...Y'know, Bo?...He...I don't know how to say this...Okay, I do...he's addicted to crack...I really think he needs help but I'm not sure how to tell him without him angrily barking...

In addition to the Catch a Predator "fiasco", I also plan to leak some of my prison diaries (which basically looks exactly like the Kama Sutra), transcripts from my trial, my successful macaroni-and-cheese-sexual-intercourse-related adventures to the White House, and several other non-macaroni-and-cheese non-White-House sex stories. I also wanna do some drunk blogging, leak some important documents not related to me, and I always wanted to do a WNBA Draft Live Blog. I also want to start an advice column on here once (Ask a Leaker?), and I will consistently be informing you of the numerous contests here at Points in Case, such as the 7th Annual WikiLeaks Points in Case Send In A Picture Of Yourself Licking An Old Person To Win an Expired Arby's Coupon Contest, which you have 750 seconds left to enter.

I'm really busy with my "rape trial" right now, so leaks will be sporadic right now, but in my defense it takes a long time to save 10 gigabyte files in Microsoft Word.

At this point, you might be saying this Julian Asange guy is a real douche...but I bet you've never gotten your dick sucked while FLYING a plane, mate...Let's face it, I'm having sex as I type this...I've orgasmed three times in the last two paragraphs...Is orgasmed the correct way to say that?...There's probably not an official rule on the past term of orgasm because it would be a touchy subject/English rulesmakers probably just pretended it doesn't exist...Ya'al ever gottin a blowjob in a submarine? It's great! Nothin' like it. It's free, too! The point is, girls love leakers more than they love accountants (or whatever's popular in your country)...Leak 50,000 pages of confidential documents and you will be getting 50,000 blowjob offers (973 down, whatever fifty thousand minus 973 is to go!) 

I’ve often sat in hotel rooms alone, three girls with their tongues wrapped around my dick, pondering how alone I am. I’ve had orgies while asleep. I can’t make a spaghetti dinner without getting a rimjob, it just doesn’t happen. I’ve learned to live with it. Girls are just beyond attracted to leakers. The moral of the story is what some people call ‘rape’, I call mowing the lawn.

What I'm trying to say is, as Enrique Iglesias once quoted from Shakespeare's unpublished Jersey Shore fan fiction, "Tonight (I'm fucking you)." In other words, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream was racial equality, mine is having sex with 4 models AT ONCE. And I have the same dream almost every night (you don't want to know what my nightmares are...maybe I'll leak 'em anyways).

Yes, I may put on my taxes that the leaking is for the advancement of freedom. But let's face it, how do I even know what the 1st amendment is. I became a spokesman for a symbolic rule in a foreign country's Bible. For you, baby girl. I spend days hovered over my computer, working frantically to open governments, for the ladies. So excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm fucking you.

Okay, first things first: I am the REAL Julian Asange from WikiLeaks. All the other Julian Asanges on this site are fake. NEXT, Send naked and/or sexy pictures of yourself to me, the REAL Julian Asange, at Julian@PointsinCase.com. ALSO: The first person to send a real picture of them doing real cocaine (or a video) will get some sort of prize from me. What I'm trying to say, Ashley Garmany, is that it's considered polite to return someone sending penis pics day after day to you with vagina and/or breast pictures and/or/preferably butthole.

I guess that wasn't first things first, technically, but I didn't want you to get all sad and cry-y when I told you that I'm wrapping this blog up. Plus, last things last doesn't roll off the tongue. But the rumors are true: this blog is almost reaching its conclusion. I'll leave you with this: The point is, everyone, freedom of information is our most precious inherent right as a human being on this earth of ours. That, and girls who work at McDonald's have low self-esteem so you can fuck them super easy with a purchase of a large drink.

Well I have to go. I literally have 36 hookers waiting for me. Ya'al ever prank called and ordered 36 pizzas to someone's house? Yeah, well this is like that, except instead of pizzas of every variety, it's prosty's of every variety; and it's not a fucking prank.

P.S. Bye.

P.P.S. See ya later. I'm going to go now. So. Like. See ya man.

P.P.P.S. Have a good one bruh.

P.P.P.P.S. Hey what's that prefix for when people like people of both sexes? It's like two letters? Yes, I got you to say it!!!!!!  

Love u,

J