You Know They Can Play, But What Will They Be Wearing? Heisman Preview Time!

Over the past week we've heard everyone from Lee Corso to the human equivalent of a used tampon, Rick Reilly, weigh in on this year's Heisman trophy clusterfuck. We've heard the stats, seen the highlights, and possibly have spent entire days watching them play. But there are some things you can't find out from reading and watching. These are those things.....

Candidate #1 - Tim Tebow (Quarterback, Florida)

Tim TebowKey credentials: Led Florida to a 12-1 record, broke Hershel Walkers SEC record for rushing TD's, circumcised newborns in the Philippines.

Nickname: "The Holy One''

Bullshit sportswriter reasoning for voting for Tebow: I know Tebow wasn't the most exciting player or the most statistically impressive, or that great, and yes, he may have cost his team a shot at the title, but did you SEE the heart?? Tebow is such a great kid! So much character!

What Tebow will be wearing: Long white robe, sandals, crown of thorns.



Candidate #2 - Mark Ingram (Running back, Alabama)

Mark IngramKey credentials: Led Bama to the National Title game, made Tim Tebow cry.

Nickname: "The Rolling Tide''

Bullshit sportswriter reasoning for voting for Ingram: "He was the best player on the best team.''

What Ingram will be wearing: Ass-less chaps, Gladiator helmet.



Candidate #3 - Colt McCoy (Quarterback, Texas)

Colt McCoyKey credentials: Led Texas to the National Title game, started for 4 years.

Nickname: "My parents were drunk when they named me''

Bullshit sportswriter reasoning for voting for McCoy: "He started for 4 years!''

What McCoy will be wearing: Ass-full chaps, cowboy boots, cowboy hat, American flag.



Candidate #4 - Toby Gerhart (Running back, Stanford)

Toby GerhartKey credentials: Is a white position player, beat the hell out of Notre Dame.

Nickname: "Ghost''

Bullshit sportswriter reasoning for voting for Gerhart: "I know Gerhart doesn't have that jailbreak speed, but no one runs harder, grittier, or smarter than this guy.''

What Gerhart will be wearing: He's still wearing the asses of the Notre Dame defense.



Candidate #5 - Ndamukong Suh (Defensive Tackle, Nebraska)

Ndamukong SuhhKey credentials: Beat off double teams like he was Jenna Jameson, the scariest human being and most dominant football player I've ever seen, has a cool name.

Nickname: "Chuck Norris''

Bullshit sportswriter reasoning for voting for Suh: "Why can't a defensive player win the Heisman? We see firsts in sports every year! This year the first defensive player to ever win the Heisman will be a boy named Suh!''

What Suh will be wearing: Sleeveless tux, blood-stained hockey mask, leather helmet.




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Charles Woodson, 1997

Jeremy Stewart's picture

Yes, I know Woodson won the Heisman. The point of the joke was that the idiot sportswriter I was writing as would forget.

"Beat off double teams like he was Jenna Jameson"-funniest thing i've heard in a long time :)

"I know Gerhart doesn't have that jailbreak speed, but no one runs harder, grittier, or smarter than this guy.'' - this strikes me as being hilariously, and unintentionally, racially tinged.

Brent Stone's picture

Well, at least if Toby didn't win, they still crapped all over Tebow.

LiddyD's picture

Toby Gerhart was a good player that's why he might get picked from the NFL Draft this year. Toby Gerhart is forecasted to be picked in the second or 3rd round of the NFL Draft. You will find arguments about if he can be picked at all and why he would be picked. Many say it is because he is white in a position dominated by blacks that he will not get picked and many use the same argument as to why he will be picked. Either way he has the record to show he is a good player with various potential. I think that we could be greatly amazed at the places Toby Gerhart will take us with football.