How do I know there’s a God? Because a video of Erin Andrews naked leaked onto the internet, that’s how. Erin Andrews is the woman who tries to talk about sports on the TV. Women are great, and sports are great, but put the two together and you get disasters like Erin Andrews, or the WNBA.
The video is low quality, but that’s because it’s one of those awesome illegal voyeur videos some guy shot by drilling a hole in his adjoining hotel room into Erin Andrew’s room while she’s curling her hair naked and doing squatting exercises.
Why would anyone commit suicide with news like that? This and the ShamWow guy beating up a hooker are the only things that keep me going. And just like you now see more ShamWow commercials after the guy beats up a hooker, I’m sure this leaked naked hot sexy video of Erin Andrews will only help her (sigh), career. In fact, it’s probably just a publicity stunt by her, since she confirmed that the girl in the grainy cell phone video was her when she could’ve just ignored this story. But now that she’s confirmed it is her soft, golden, amazingly beautiful body, the news is all over the internet (I found out about from the front page of Yahoo).
But what do I know? I’m not the one who shot the video. I wish I shot the Erin Andrews video. Hell, it feels really good to say: I am the one who shot the video of ESPN’s Erin Andrews naked in a hotel room. Rolls right off the tongue.
However, my imaginary lawyer has advised me to not admit to filming it. My imaginary psychiatrist keeps telling me that having an imaginary lawyer is not normal.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. Sex tapes are at an all-time low. We were blessed from above by the Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian sex tapes, and since then, nothing. Today, I saw an article “Christie Brinkley’s Ex Has A Sex Tape.” First of all, who the fuck is Christie Brinkley? Second, why does her ex having a sex tape make the news? What. The. Fuck. Who the fuck cares. If a cashier she bought a Butterfinger from at a ShopKo in 1977 makes a sex tape, is that news? One exception to this sex tape drought is the rumored *gag* sex *gag* tape *gag* of *gag* John *gag* Edwards. Gag.
Below sex tapes are upskirts and nip slips. God, the world is a wonderful place. No matter who you are, you’re always at risk for being filmed or photographed naked against your will. Fuck, if you look hard enough, you could probably find a Mother Theresa nip slip or an upskirt of the Virgin Mary (in black and white, of course).
Normally, people end their Erin Andrews article by saying they don’t know where to find the video. But I do know where to find it, and I have a copy on my computer. If you’re having trouble finding it, or don’t want to risk getting a virus (I have a Mac so I’m good), comment below with why I should send you the video, and I will send it to anyone deserving of seeing Erin Andrews’ luscious, wonderful, unclothed body.