If you're reading this, you're probably not a lesbian. Actually, nix that. If you're reading this, you're probably a lesbian. Because after I'm done writing this, I'm posting links to it all over your dykeish websites (watch out ellen.com!).

So, for all of you lesbians out there reading along, I'd like to say that this isn't meant to particularly offend you or whatever. I just…I figure I know you. And because I know you, I also know that unlike flamboyant gay men (aka "faggots"), you prefer a less noticeable, less unnervingly annoying homosexuality.

In a sense, what I'm trying to say is that this lesson is more like a tool. First, it may be used to hide the unbearable shame of your homosexuality–shame that naturally results from Jesus Christ's death on the cross, paying the price for your sins.

Second, you can use this to find other lesbians, that you might bite their clitori at some unforseen time.

As it is a tool that you use, consider my masterpiece… a dialectical dildo…a verbal vibrator… an analytical strand of anal-bead…a suiting strap-on… You get the drift. (Ah, alliteration…awesome and not as arbitrary as all of Americans ascertain).

Let us begin, you dirty muff-eaters.


How to Spot a Lesbian

Look!

There!

A lesbian!

And…

She's Driving A Truck!

Hey lesbian, why are you driving that truck? Didn't you know that only men drive trucks? And why the hell do you need all of that bedspace? Are you hauling your dildos over to your girlfriend's place? I bet that truck could sure hold a lot of dildos! Whoa!

Oh, it's not for the dildos? You're just a "country girl?"

Yeah fucking right. Girls who drive trucks are only blatantly displaying that they want to be men…okay…men compensating for their tiny, redneck penises with a big, black truck. But that counts too, I guess.

You're a lesbian, admit it!

She's Reading Sylvia Plath!

Hey lesbian, why are you reading that book? Oh, because you're artsy and shit, is that it? Lesbian, please. Everybody knows that straight women suck at art. I mean, go ahead. Try and name ten fantastic, straight female writers. I bet you can't…

Well then, go on…

…she's a dyke

…she's a dyke

…she's a dyke

…oh? Gertrude Stein?

I wonder if she was a lesbian

Hmm…OH YEAH! I always knew she was…

Ha-ha! Total dyke-out!

Anyways, girls like you who read Sylvia Plath, obviously never had a strong male influence. And because of that, you got a strong female influence…to eat a fat, dirty muff!

She's Bossing Around Employees!

Hey lesbian, why are you bossing around those employees like that? Aren't you supposed to be whipping me up some macaroni and cheese or something? Aren't you supposed to be dressing my war-wounds so that a male doctor can give me a proper diagnosis? Aren't you supposed to be raising some kid or something?

Oh, that's right, you don't have children. Who could and still be a boss of somebody?

It's not because you're sterile, either. You don't have kids because you're a dirty communist lesbian, that's why. You get your power-drip from licking the clits of lesbian secretaries…or turning fine, straight, God-fearing employees into muff-thirsty monsters with your Lesbian Shaman Powers.

She's Wearing Pants!

Hey lesbian, why are you wearing those jeans? It make you feel important or something? What are you trying to hide there, lesbian? Your nine-inch clit? Your inflammed, pulsing labia? Had a good night last night, lesbian? Your girlfriend suck on that shit? Yeah, well I can still see a cameltoe there, lesbian. You ain't foolin' me.

She's Eating Some Other Girl's Muff!

Caught red-handed, you friggin' lesbian!

I always knew it. You weren't fooling anybody…with your Lilith Fair tickets and your Apple Laptop. Geesh. Give a guy a break, would ya?