After a few years of listening to this thing over and over again, I have come to some conclusions about Christmas song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  And I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but I believe that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a bullshit story.  Let's look at the lyrics shall we?

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.

Up to this point, I really have no problems with this story.  I mean, Rudolph is a freak, right?  He's got a big red nose and his peers think he's weird so they make fun of him, which is what peers do to freaks that don't know how to fight.  At least, for the most part.  So, I mean, right here so far, we got ourselves a believable story.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Now, this is where I get just a bit freaked out.  First off, this song does not give a frame of reference to when in Santa's career this story is taking place; we have to assume it to be at least somewhere towards the middle of said career, though.  I mean, he's already got a reindeer field where reindeer can play reindeer games and shit, so it's safe to say he's been domesticating them for a while by this point.  And if we conclude that Santa's been doing this a while then we must assume that in all of his years of traveling the entirety of the planet at night in a 24 hour period that he must have some time prior to this one Christmas SEEN FUCKING FOG BEFORE!  I mean what, this is the first foggy night in the history of Santa's career?  Objection your honor.  Realism points: 0.

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history!

I doubt the reindeer would have shouted out with glee here.  No one likes the goofy looking new kid to get respect for his disability by making good use of it.  Trust me, I once found a way to use the one-armed kid's stump as an ink stamp in arts and crafts class back in fourth grade and not only did no one shout out with glee, but I got sent to the principal's office.  Anyway, this is just… it's just a really unrealistic story.

Now, here's how I would have written it (keeping the first two verses in place because, you know, they make sense):

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa was too drunk to light a lamp so he said:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
You oughta be good for fucking something.  What say you
Guide my sleigh, Freak Deer?"

Then all the reindeer jeered him
And they threw their own feces at him because they hated  
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
Who was an ugly fucking freak!

Maybe not quite as catchy, but it seems a hell of a lot more realistic, eh?

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