Dear Gay People, Keep Doing What (And Who) You're Doing

One of our PIC guys wrote something about gay guys, which has generated some interesting comments. I'm not the guy who tells people what to and what not to write or what's not funny (that's Court's job), but I felt I needed to make a rebuttal about the things Boonstra wrote.

First off, I don't hate gay people at all. I dislike most people, but I don't believe in hating people—except the Hollywood folks who keep giving Michael Bay and Paul W.S. Anderson jobs.

Second, despite what many of my facebook photos show, I'm not gay, but I have more than my share of gay friends. I came of age in Manhattan (that's in New York City) and attended to NYU, so honestly, homosexual dudes could be swinging from the rafters and I probably wouldn't notice.

Since I'm an incredibly handsome fellow I've been hit on, cat-called and ass-slapped by guys that swing the opposite way of me. I don't mind at all. It's no different than all the times I ask ladies out who have no interest in me—which pretty much never happens, but still. 

I actually prefer and encourage my girlfriends to befriend gay dudes. It takes a lot of the pressure off of me. I don't want to go shopping, get my nails done, gossip or watch "So You Think You Can Dance." Why not let her do it with somebody else? Plus, only a gay man will give you the insider information like, "Your girlfriend hates it when you wear that old gray t-shirt with the yellow pitstains the size and shape of the Great Lakes."

If you think all gay guys are femmy little wimps who care for nothing but fashion, six-pack abs and slurping balls, go out and actually meet some gay dudes. One of the toughest wrestlers I've ever met enjoys men—maybe he's a great wrestler because he never takes a break from dudes. One of the laziest and fattest slobs I know gargles on a meatpole from time to time. 

My point is, in any group, you'll probably meet people you like and don't like. I'm a Minnesota Twins fan—but I can't stand a lot of my Kirby Puckett-loving brethren. Many "Star Wars" nerds are too dorky for me. On the other hand, from time to time I meet a hipster who isn't too cool for school—or me. 

So sure, I'm not friends with every gay dude I meet, but I'm not friends with everybody I meet no matter how they like their licks, kicks or dicks. So sure, there are gay guys I'd like to kick in the nuts, not because they're literal cocksuckers who enjoy the act of sucking cock, but figurative cocksuckers who owe me money, talk too loud or swipe the last beer in the fridge.

The way I see it, the more guys enjoy chugging each other's cocks, the more single women are out there waiting for me. As a bouncer, I've never once needed to kick the shit out of a gay guy for being rude, violent or cheap. As a bartender, homosexuals are stereotypically the best tippers—but then again, I am oustandingly good looking in person. As a writer, some queer dudes enjoy when I make smartass comments about women as much as other dudes do. 

That's my two cents. I'll step off my soapbox now. 

Sincerely,

kc

P.S. While I do have a lot of gay friends, I don't have that many lesbian friends. That just comes with the territory when you ridicule females in your free time, but I have given pick-up artist advice to a lesbian and my roommate's dogs are probably gay bitches—so I've got that going for me.