WANTED:

Entry-level, CEO-salary positions available! No experience necessary (three to five years in-house experience preferred though, as well as a knowledge of Quark, Excel, Dreamweaver, and Latin)! One of the country’s fastest-growing and most stable industries needs aggressive self-starters who think creatively and take excellent direction in a laid-back, high-octane atmosphere! Only the hardest-working, most-fun-loving candidates need apply (others may as well)! We are an equal-opportunity employer (please stand at least 6’2”, 200—we like our employees to seem domineering, in a polite non-threatening way). Send your resume and $20 hiring deposit immediately!

FOR SALE:

Crossbow with rope-arrow—only fired once. Aims a little low. Mint condition except for congealed apple bits, hair, and blood. $40 OBO.

ARE YOU GOING TO MEXICO???
I need a ride to Mexico—no specific city or region, just Mexico. Must be a moderate to exceptional liar. Also, large, deep trunk necessary. Hatchback, okay.

Sal

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