Your Winning Notification!

Does anyone really think they won the lottery if they receive an email with the subject "LOTTERY WINNER" from the sender "Lotto Winner"? Are people like, "Ahh, well this makes sense! I probably won such an asston of money from the lottery people that they had to fire every employee! AHAHAHAH!!! And then, JUST TO COVER MY WINNINGS, they had to sell every piece of business equipment... except the computer, which remained just long enough to send me this winning email notification... after which it most likely self-destructed. Hmm, I wonder whether I should take the lump sum or the annual payout? Probably the annual payout, now that I'm rich I've got to start thinking about tax impact."

The other day my friends and I were wondering where an elevator goes after you get off of it (assuming you're the last passenger). Does it stay right there? Or shouldn't it go back to the main floor, since that's probably the most-requested floor? Then again, that would be a lot of additional movement for an elevator, which already has a tough job. I mean, could you imagine if your job was to lift people up and down all day? "Yes sir, the stairs are right over... SHIT, YOU ASSHOLE. Now you're REALLY PRESSING MY BUTTONS, MISTER. If I have to carry you one more time, I swear to god I'm going to make National Anorexia Awareness Day all about saving money on food."

Yeah, we decided it probably just stays where you got off.

Yesterday I saw a moving truck for the company Atlanta Peach Movers. The slogan on the side of their truck read:

WE "LITERALLY" ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET!

First of all, written and air quotes are overused as it is. But literally the ONLY word you CAN'T put quotes around is "literally."

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