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I like music. Do you like music? I bet you do. What is your favorite
type of music? Just kidding, I don't care. Anyway, assuming you
aren't one of those miserable shits who say that they can “tolerate
just about anything,” then you have a favorite type of music.
But guess what? Your favorite music blows.
While not every band in every genre is identical, I don't have
enough room to list all variations of bad music, and quite frankly,
I enjoy judging a book by its cover. That’s why they have covers.
Remember that old saying, “You are what you listen to”? No? That's
probably because I just made it up. But it's true: your taste in
music is directly correlated with the quality of human being you
are.
Let's take a gander…
Alternative
Aw, how different and unique this genre is because it doesn’t fit into any
other categories! Chances are that you believe Radiohead was awesome and
U2 is just so fucking profound! Alternative music is more pretentious than the
wealthy girl in high school who happened to blossom early. Coincidentally, it
blows nearly as much.
Blues
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Everything was so peaceful... then your favorite musician
decided to break the silence. |
Blues is the genre for which all other music is based off of. All other music
about getting cheated on and done wrong by your baby, that is. It's basically
country music for blind and black people. (Get it? Ray Charles was both!)
Country
Those philosophical lyrics about broken automobiles and getting dumped by
your girlfriend are to blame for more than 65% of suicides nationwide, according
to MadeUpStatistics Weekly. I think ev'ry so often each singer should be forced
to write a song without referencin' alcohol or females and try and make it
longer than nine seconds long.
Kill yourself, country music genre.
Emo
This despondent genre is synonymous with ridiculously long song titles and
band members wearing eyeliner. Remember the huge economic decline in the 1930s?
Yeah me neither, but it's a well-known fact that the first emo band did in fact
surface during the Great Depression. Next time you see photos from that era,
take a closer look at the long lines of people waiting in “attempt to feed their
families.” I'm pretty sure it's actually just a bunch of people waiting for
tickets to see the first emo band: The Hungry, Bankrupt & Broken Morale! If
you're super observant, you’ll notice most of them are wearing ties over their
tattered polo shirts. Emo blows.
Folk
Dear hippies, I have a challenge for you:
Step 1. Tear yourself away from not voting, reading about government
conspiracy theories, and smoking your reefer.
Step 2. Go play one of Bob Dylan's songs on the acoustic guitar that
you bought to pick up chicks.
Step 3. Immediately add yourself to the list of "Everyone Who Has
Successfully Done a Bob Dylan Cover Better Than Bob Dylan Himself."
Grunge
This genre was made famous by groups like Nirvana, Pearl Jam and other bands
from Seattle that made flannel cool for a couple of years. Some people say this
era ended with Kurt Cobain's suicide, which just proved what people will do in
order to distance themselves from Courtney Love. Quite similar to that shotgun
barrel, this genre also blows (minus all that messy gunpowder).
Indie
This genre is just “all about the music.” These bands won't sell out. Not
because they constantly reject huge contracts from major record labels, but
because they aren't good enough to
land your cousin's Bar Mitzvah gig. The average indie fan would rather
swallow a nice spoonful of rusty thumbtacks than listen to any band someone else
has ever heard of. They take great pride in knowing the most obscure artists,
who happen to be obscure for a reason.... because they blow.
Jam Bands
You know jam bands for their relaxed stance on letting fans record
concerts/smoke pot. I'm pretty sure even Dave Matthews would tell you that Dave
Matthews Band stopped being good by at least 1998. Oh, and your hair is super
dirty. I recommend an occasional shampoo and conditioning.
Rap/Hip-Hop
This genre is recognized for jewelry being worn on teeth and posthumous
albums. I think I speak for all white people when I ask, “Whatever happened to
the good old rap songs about thong th-thong thong thongs and parents
just not understanding??”
Seriously, parents rarely fully identify with their teenage sons and
daughters.
Reggae
You are familiar with reggae because of Bob Marley, and based on that fact
you feel obligated to listen to it while smoking more than a fellow jam band
listener. (Impressive!) You either live in Jamaica or a frat house, but oddly
enough never a Jamaican frat house. Either way, it doesn't hide the fact that
reggae blows.
Rock 'n' Roll
Ahh yes, least but not last
we have rock ‘n’ roll. This genre is so awesome that it feels the need to
shorten one of the smallest words in the English language and replace it with
needless apostrophes. The genre proudly symbolizes unjustifiable rebellion, mosh
pits, three-fingered hand signals (not that three-fingered hand signal), and
colossal amounts of drug abuse. You really have to admire the commitment of the
rock stars back then, like a member of Mötley Crüewho clinically died from
overdosing on heroin and after being released from the hospital, went home to do
what? More heroin! That, my friends, is sheer dedication.
Techno
Known for being played in gentlemen's clubs, American Eagle, and Germany. If
you enjoy techno music, odds are you are
probably a German stripper that wears overpriced clothing. But I don't like
to judge what other people do to make a living. I respect whatever one does in
order to put sauerkraut on the table. Techno? More like techNO!! Am I right?!?
Of course I'm right.
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