All seven of the recently discovered Trappist exoplanets are moving into retrograde this month! Here’s how the motion of planets 39.6 light years away are going to affect your life on Earth.


Aries

Scientists just discovered this planetary system, but it’s been influencing your life since the day you were born. Every celestial body determines your destiny, and we mean every celestial body. The Trappist planets aren’t visible to the naked eye, but you’ll still see your life fall apart this month.


Taurus

Even though the light from Trappist 1-c takes millions of years to reach Earth, you’ll feel its influence immediately. If you have trouble making decisions this month, you can blame seven planets so far away humans will never be able to visit them, and not your natural tendency to waffle.


Gemini

The permanent dayside and nightside of these planets represent your dual nature, Gemini, even though you had no idea these planets have permanent day and night until you read this sentence. When the dark side of Trappist 1-e moves into your house of new beginnings (by not moving at all), maybe it’s time to move your couch to a different corner of your apartment?


Cancer

Your ruling planet, Trappist 1-h, goes into retrograde on the 12th. This could hit you hard if one of Trappist 1-h’s theoretical moons sits in your personal chart. We don’t know if they exist or not, but the motions of these maybe-moons are still going to fuck your shit up.


Leo

As a Leo, you’re ruled by the sun—both the Earth sun and the ultra-cool dwarf star waaaaay beyond our solar system. In a relationship? Solar flares on Trappist 1 on the 14th are going to wreak havoc on Trappist 1-d, and your otherwise insignificant human “thing” with Trevor!


Virgo

On the 23rd, the three planets that have the potential of hosting life will go into retrograde in your house of finance. The orbits of these planets are so close together that they tug on one another, and while you might think the gravitational pull is only relevant to planets within this star system, trust us, it’s not.


Libra

Trappist 1-b goes into retrograde on the 3rd, so there’s a reason why it feels like your lattes are all extra foamy! The good news is, a year on Trappist 1-b is only 1.5 Earth days, so the retrograde won’t last long, only half an Earth-hour. When Trappist 1-b comes out of retrograde, also on the 3rd, you’ll feel energized! But watch out when it goes back into retrograde later on the 3rd, and then again that evening.


Scorpio

Yikes! On the 21st, NASA will block the light of the Trappist 1 star so that scientists can better observe the planet, mimicking an eclipse. It’s not a naturally occurring eclipse, and the knowledge NASA gains is literally for internal use only, it’ll still make you cry at your desk at work as if it was a real one.


Sagittarius

Sure, the sun the Trappist planets revolve around is only slightly larger than Jupiter, yet the planets are powerful enough to mess with your mundane existence. The mass of the Trappist 1 star has a mass that’s 9% of our sun, but you better believe that means you should take this month to flush that toxic private Facebook group out of your life. The Trappist planets want you to.


Capricorn

Most of the orbits of the Trappist planets are unstable, which means your life is going to turn into a shit show, Capricorn. The gravitational forces that alter the orbits of the closely packed planets might make you feel like you’re being pulled in all directions. Ugh! Your life would be so much easier if these planets hadn’t been observed through NASA’s Keplar space telescope!


Aquarius

The Trappist planets are located in the constellation Aquarius, so if you were born between January 20th and February 18th, this retrograde is going to make you question your entire earthly existence! What? You didn’t know the planets orbiting the stars in the sign you were born under had anything to do with your destiny? You’ve completely underestimated the cosmic power astrology!


Pisces

5% of the mass of some Trappist planets might be water, which means that water signs will feel the effects of Trappist 1-e’s retrograde more than other signs. In the future, humans might live on Trappist 1-e, but today, your house of intimacy is going to be thrown out of whack and no one will match with you on Bumble. But just think of how much stronger you’d feel the retrograde if we actually did live in this star system?

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