I like music. Do you like music? I bet you do. What is your favorite type of music? Just kidding, I don’t care. Anyway, assuming you aren’t one of those miserable shits who say that they can “tolerate just about anything,” then you have a favorite type of music. But guess what? Your favorite music blows.

While not every band in every genre is identical, I don’t have enough room to list all variations of bad music, and quite frankly, I enjoy judging a book by its cover. That’s why they have covers. Remember that old saying, “You are what you listen to”? No? That’s probably because I just made it up. But it’s true: your taste in music is directly correlated with the quality of human being you are.

Let’s take a gander…

Alternative

Aw, how different and unique this genre is because it doesn’t fit into any other categories! Chances are that you believe Radiohead was awesome and U2 is just so fucking profound! Alternative music is more pretentious than the wealthy girl in high school who happened to blossom early. Coincidentally, it blows nearly as much.

Blues

CountryBlues is the genre for which all other music is based off of. All other music about getting cheated on and done wrong by your baby, that is. It’s basically country music for blind and black people. (Get it? Ray Charles was both!)

Those philosophical lyrics about broken automobiles and getting dumped by your girlfriend are to blame for more than 65% of suicides nationwide, according to MadeUpStatistics Weekly. I think ev’ry so often each singer should be forced to write a song without referencin’ alcohol or females and try and make it longer than nine seconds long. Kill yourself, country music genre.

Emo

This despondent genre is synonymous with ridiculously long song titles and band members wearing eyeliner. Remember the huge economic decline in the 1930s? Yeah me neither, but it’s a well-known fact that the first emo band did in fact surface during the Great Depression. Next time you see photos from that era, take a closer look at the long lines of people waiting in “attempt to feed their families.” I’m pretty sure it’s actually just a bunch of people waiting for tickets to see the first emo band: The Hungry, Bankrupt & Broken Morale! If you’re super observant, you’ll notice most of them are wearing ties over their tattered polo shirts. Emo blows.

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Folk

Dear hippies, I have a challenge for you:

Step 1. Tear yourself away from not voting, reading about government conspiracy theories, and smoking your reefer.

Step 2. Go play one of Bob Dylan’s songs on the acoustic guitar that you bought to pick up chicks.

Step 3. Immediately add yourself to the list of “Everyone Who Has Successfully Done a Bob Dylan Cover Better Than Bob Dylan Himself.”

Grunge

This genre was made famous by groups like Nirvana, Pearl Jam and other bands from Seattle that made flannel cool for a couple of years. Some people say this era ended with Kurt Cobain’s suicide, which just proved what people will do in order to distance themselves from Courtney Love. Quite similar to that shotgun barrel, this genre also blows (minus all that messy gunpowder).

Indie

This genre is just “all about the music.” These bands won’t sell out. Not because they constantly reject huge contracts from major record labels, but because they aren’t good enough to land your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah gig. The average indie fan would rather swallow a nice spoonful of rusty thumbtacks than listen to any band someone else has ever heard of. They take great pride in knowing the most obscure artists, who happen to be obscure for a reason…. because they blow.

Jam Bands

You know jam bands for their relaxed stance on letting fans record concerts/smoke pot. I’m pretty sure even Dave Matthews would tell you that Dave Matthews Band stopped being good by at least 1998. Oh, and your hair is super dirty. I recommend an occasional shampoo and conditioning.

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Rap/Hip-Hop

This genre is recognized for jewelry being worn on teeth and posthumous albums. I think I speak for all white people when I ask, “Whatever happened to the good old rap songs about thong th-thong thong thongs and parents just not understanding??”

Seriously, parents rarely fully identify with their teenage sons and daughters.

Reggae

You are familiar with reggae because of Bob Marley, and based on that fact you feel obligated to listen to it while smoking more than a fellow jam band listener. (Impressive!) You either live in Jamaica or a frat house, but oddly enough never a Jamaican frat house. Either way, it doesn’t hide the fact that reggae blows.

Rock ‘n’ Roll

Ahh yes, least but not last we have rock ‘n’ roll. This genre is so awesome that it feels the need to shorten one of the smallest words in the English language and replace it with needless apostrophes. The genre proudly symbolizes unjustifiable rebellion, mosh pits, three-fingered hand signals (not that three-fingered hand signal), and colossal amounts of drug abuse. You really have to admire the commitment of the rock stars back then, like a member of Mötley Crüewho clinically died from overdosing on heroin and after being released from the hospital, went home to do what? More heroin! That, my friends, is sheer dedication.

Techno

Known for being played in gentlemen’s clubs, American Eagle, and Germany. If you enjoy techno music, odds are you are probably a German stripper that wears overpriced clothing. But I don’t like to judge what other people do to make a living. I respect whatever one does in order to put sauerkraut on the table. Techno? More like techNO!! Am I right?!? Of course I’m right.

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