By staff writer Paul Frank

DISCLAIMER: I did not write this article, your girlfriend’s unborn fetus did.

Hey bro! Hey, can you hear me? It’s me, your unborn fetus! Well, technically your girlfriend’s unborn fetus, but I’m still half yours! You’re like a father to me, bro. I mean that. We go back a long time. Like two terms or something. I don’t really know pre-birth age measurements, but I think it’s like dog years or something. Whatevs.

Just wanted to drop in to tell you it’s totally cool if you abort me, man. Don’t even worry about it. Don’t even give it another thought. Just drive this girlfriend I call home to the neighborhood abortion clinic and abort the shit out of me. No big deal, bro. You and me and cool. Nothing will change that, not even a cheap abortion from a guy who failed out of dental school the first year.

Now listen, I know your girlfriend’s probably all like, “What if he’s the next Einstein?!” but trust me dude, I’ll just be the next Cryin’-stein. Get it?! No? Well…you know, ‘cause babies cry all the time and stuff? Oh, you DO get it? Sorry, I can’t hear very well…my ears aren’t fully formed yet (one more reason to abort me, right, dogg? Just kidding, nobody uses “dogg” anymore).

Anyway, dude, we already know that E equals MC squared, so another Einstein wouldn’t do the world any good. Plus, that’s just boring math science shit. We get enough of that in school, right, Broshua?


“Bro, she's right, but please don't let things go this far. The longer you wait, the more it hurts.”

Just the other day my fetus friend was tellin’ me, before he went to the great fetus pile in the sky, that an abortion is fun. He said they give you painkillers beforehand, a sucker when it’s done, and the whole thing is just one big party! Whooooooo!! Yeah! Fucking abortions!!

Dude, I told your girlfriend to get me some pizza without the dough the other day and she totally did!

Question, Brothaniel: What kind of abortion do you think you’ll get on me? ‘Cause I’m down for whatever, swear to Criss Angel Mindfreak! Back alley abortions are uber cheap, but a little dangerous. Real abortion clinic abortions are expensive and the doctors are stuck-up, but it’s reliable and clean. The ol’ hanger to the vag is like probably the best way to do it, I’m thinkin’. But, whatever, bro. Your abortion. Just be gentle, please. Haha, just kidding—I’m not a pussy!

Hey, have you ever seen Friends? That show fucking sucks hard!

Well, I have a lot of time in here, so I decided to write up one of those gay pro/con things of getting an abortion vs. not getting an abortion.

Pros:

  • No baby.
  • Cheaper.
  • Don’t have to tell your parents you got your girlfriend pregnant.
  • It’s an experience.
  • Makes for a good story at your wedding.

Cons:

  • I don’t know.
  • None, I guess.
  • Can’t really think of any.
  • Dude, seriously, wasn’t Friends like the #1 show in America? How is that possible? That shit was fucking horrible! Just terrible. Un-fucking-believable.
  • None off the top of my head.
  • I won’t get to go with you to that kegger on Saturday.

So dude, go tell your girlfriend right now that I said it’s cool. Say, “Come on, doesn’t the fetus get a voice in this? He just wrote me a letter practically begging me to abort him.” Dude, I swear, she’ll drive to the abortion clinic, get that abortion, and then have some wicked sex with you afterward. There will still be some of me in there too, haha! Sicccckkkk.

Abort me, bro! Do it! You don’t want some stranger crawling around your house, crying, shitting himself, crying some more, pissing himself, and lookin’ all ugly and shit! You already have your girlfriend for that! …ZING!!! High five! Wait…I don’t have hands.

P.S. It’s so cool being in here. I mean, your girlfriend is hot as hell. I’m lucky as fuck to be inside her vag! Who would’ve thought, dude! I’m in your girlfriend’s pink more than you! What the fuck?! Work on that, bro.

P.S. I mighta just been groggy or something, but I swear I saw another dude’s dick in here. You might want to ask her about that.

Double P.S. It looked black. But I’m not sure, Brotholomew.

P.S. Dude, it’s really not as cool as you’d think being in a vagina 24/7. It smells and I’m near piss like all the time!

P.S. I’m not sure how pregnancy works, but I’m probably not technically in her vagina anyway…maybe I’m in her uterus or something. I don’t know, I didn’t major in pregnancy! Alls I know is I have a good-ass view of her vaginal region, and that view is very nice, my friend, very niiiiiiice (yeah, I was already here when you guys watched that DVD).


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