Greetings readers and welcome to the June edition of Pros and Consumers, the only blog focusing exclusively on off-brand products in supermarkets. This month I will focus on Equate’s “All in One” shampoo and see if it’s really worth the $3.87 that Walmart is charging. Frequent readers of Pros and Consumers will know that one of my biggest pet peeves is false advertising, and so this month I tested the shampoo’s “All in One” claim by seeing how many things it can really do.
Hair Care
Obviously, the first thing to test was the shampoo’s capability to both clean the hair while also acting as a conditioner, and I can attest that Equate should be proud of this product for passing these tests with flying colors. I rate the shampoo 10/10 when it comes to cleaning and conditioning the hair. However, it must be said that I never doubted the shampoo’s ability to provide you with a healthy head of hair, that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the truth and seeing if Equate’s “All in One” shampoo can really do everything.
Body Wash
I know that you, the reader, are probably thinking “Sure, I can believe that a shampoo can also act as a conditioner for your hair, but I’ll be damned if it can be used as a body wash too.” Well, let me tell you, this shampoo can. Personally, I was taken back by how clean I felt after using it and not only that, it also smells heavenly. At this point, I was seriously considering that this shampoo might be living up to the “All in One” title. I rate the shampoo 10/10 when acting as a body wash.
Toothpaste
After testing to see if it can clean your hair and your body the only logical step to take next was to test the shampoo’s ability to clean your teeth. One thing that I immediately noticed after brushing my teeth with the shampoo is that it doesn’t have the familiar minty taste that most toothpastes do. I for one welcomed the novel flavor of Sodium Laureth Sulfate and Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride. Another detail I noticed when conducting the first trial was the numbing that it induced throughout my entire mouth, just another thing to add to the laundry list of the shampoo’s capabilities. Brushing your teeth with “All in One” shampoo is like eating cookie dough, people warning you not to do it just makes it that much more enjoyable. I rate it 26/32 since that is how many teeth I now have after using it twice a day for two weeks.
Motor Oil
On my commute to work one morning I realized that my car was in need of an oil change. I figured this was a great opportunity to test the “All in One” claim that Equate proudly boasts on their labels. After finishing a DIY oil change on the side of a highway I got back into my car and continued to drive home, unfortunately, the car only lasted a few more miles before sputtering out for some unknown reason (classic 2015 Nissan Altima’s am I right?). Because this random occurrence prevented me from seeing if the shampoo was able to successfully act as a proper motor oil, I will give it the benefit of the doubt and rate it 10/10.
Repairing a Marriage
Umm yeah so lately my wife, Layla, has said that I “haven’t been putting enough effort into the marriage” because of how much time I have invested into this blog and she’s been threatening to leave me for Demetrius the gardener. I personally thought it was a bluff, I mean who would leave a manager of a Dunkin Donuts for a gardener? That’s such a drop in America’s social caste system.
In order to remedy the situation, I was trying to think of ways to incorporate Equate’s “All in One” shampoo into a plan that would make my wife think of me as a better husband. However, after a late night of designing T-shirts for the blog, I slept in until 3:00 pm, missing the special anniversary brunch that she was looking forward to for the last three weeks. To add insult to injury, she went out of her way to mention that Demetrius filled in for me. I offered her a box of semi-stale old fashioned donuts but that only made her snap and start yelling at me for not even attempting to make a change. I told her that the only thing keeping me from putting more effort into the marriage was finding a way to incorporate Equate’s “All in One” shampoo, and I would probably think of something by the end of the week.
“You and your fucking shampoo! What kind of idiot buys five wholesale cases of shampoo? We have a mortgage to pay!” she yelled. I mentioned that it cost less since I had a coupon but that just pushed her further.
“You’re such a stupid man!” She said as she pushed me into a wall. She had a look in her eye that I only saw once before when a sommelier made a passive aggressive comment about her taste in wine. That incident resulted in a lifetime ban from Carrabba’s and a trip to Civil Court. I knew she was about to start clawing so I quickly grabbed one of the many bottles of shampoo laying on the living room floor and squirted her in the eyes with it.
“Argggh you asshole!” she screamed as she fell onto the sofa. I was safe. While I am not sure how to rate its ability to repair a marriage, I will rate Equate’s “All in One” shampoo 10/10 as a self-defense weapon.