The first thing I see whenever I see pictures of the third world is garbage. Lots and lots of garbage. What’s up with that? No matter what country, Haiti, India, Vietnam, Ethiopia, Columbia, there’s always tons of trash. What’s going on?

Trash on the road in a Third World country

It doesn’t make any sense. If these people are so poor, where’s all the garbage coming from. Don’t you have to have belongings first in order to have trash? For instance in order to have a banana peel you must first have a banana. In order to have an empty box of Wheat Thins, you must first have a full box of Wheat Thins. In order to have an empty can of gasoline you must have a full can of gasoline.

But these people have no food or gas; they’re starving and they walk everywhere. Where is all this shit, er, waste material coming from?

I have an idea. Hear me out on this one…

Heaven is dropping its trash on the Third World.

Think about it. Heaven is up above the Earth. Scientific Christian magazine says so. And if heaven is above the Earth, it would be really easy to deposit its trash on the Earth. Simply apply the laws of gravity.

The Third World is the Boonies of the Earth, and the Boonies is where trash is always dumped. It’s where the landfills are. The Third World takes up most of the Earth (after water) Most all the land mass on Earth is occupied by Third World countries. Only the United States, Western Europe, Australia and Canada are outside the Third World. The Second World I would have to assume is Atlantis, and that’s under water, so that leaves the whole rest of the world. All that space for dumping garbage.

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And Heaven wouldn’t drop its trash on the First World. After all, the First World is blessed by God; I know this because Scientific Christian magazine says so. You never see a trash dump in Beverly Hills or Palm Beach do you? No, the trash dump is always in some unincorporated part of the county. Out where the closed-down drive-ins and people who make their own liquor are. The Boonies.

The Third World is the Boonies of the Earth, and the Boonies is where trash is always dumped. It’s where the landfills are. The Third World is Earth’s landfill. Scientific Christian magazine says so.

Now we all know that no human being, alive or dead, is going to heaven no matter what Scientific Christian magazine says. Come on, nobody’s that stupid. We all know that as a race of beings as a whole, we’re going to hell. But I happen to know from some very drunken sources that Heaven produces for the angels and extra-terrestrials that live there, the exact same stuff that Earth has: fast food joints, mini-malls, gas stations… the fact is Heaven is the most commercialized place outside of Earth. It’s that Republican influence. Businessliness is next to Godliness.

There are angels, my friend. Garbage Angels. Garbage Angels who collect Heaven’s trash and throw it down on the countries of the Third World in the wee hours of the morning. Nobody sees them, but they’re there. In the form of sandstorms and tsunamis. Hurricanes and floods. Locusts and other pertinence. While everyone is distracted by natural disasters, the Garbage Angels are dumping heavenly crap on the people who need it the least. It’s all part of the Divine Plan.

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Scientific Christian magazine says so.

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