Black pixie cut wig, fake eyelashes, sequined little black dress and all the Liza Minnelli accoutrements: Your new Egyptian cotton 600 GSM towels catch on your stubble every morning so sometimes you get to work with Egyptian cotton fluff in your beard. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, you are getting pretty fucking tired of some recent fuckery, like this.

Seashell bra, sexy iridescent reptilian tail and other mermaid accoutrements: A food truck you really like typically makes stops at your office on Wednesdays which is also typically the day you work from home. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebration, your tolerance of some of the new-fangled intolerance, like this, is really rapidly diminishing.

Several miles of rainbow bead necklaces and/or rainbow chiffon: Your boss just told you that he wants to introduce you to the firm’s main client but he didn’t say when so you have to dress nice every day. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is a celebration, you are also growing increasingly fucking impatient with douchery like this.

Stars and stripes Speedo and/or Wonder Woman bustier: You drive at least twelve hours per week and in that time, listen to myriad self-help books but you are so busy that you do not have the time to apply the concepts you’ve learned from those books. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, you are also getting pretty fucking tired of the shit this asshole is getting away with.

Helmet, suspenders and other fireman accoutrements: Last night, Chipotle ran out of steak so you had to order your burrito with carnitas. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, this sort of bullshit is getting really fucking old really fucking quick.

An ironic Mike Pence costume: You need to go home and change. You can do better. We can all do better than that guy. Though should you and your same-sex spouse don Mike and Karen “Mother” Pence costumes, then you might win.

You are literally Mike Pence: We all know that your dick twitched when you saw your older brother(s) skinny dipping in the mud hole behind your house one summer. Also, just go fuck yourself.

Tool belt, jeans and general construction worker accoutrements: Last night, while watching House Hunters, you got so emotionally invested in the couple choosing their house that you broke your remote when they didn’t choose any of the three amazing beach houses. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, you are also getting pretty fucking tired of people being treated like this.

Leather chaps, bustier, briefs and/or romper: You bought over $250 in healthy groceries today but you were so tired shopping that you ordered a pizza when you got home. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, you are finding it increasingly difficult to remain poised when confronted with bullshit like this.

Flamingo (or general avian-themed) costume: Your Gucci sunglasses were stolen when you left them on the dashboard so now you have to wear your Ray Bans. You were angry; but not as angry as you get when you read about this sort of horseshit.

Tasteful pink, chartreuse or orange tuxedo: Someone ate the slice of Tiramisu cake you brought from your brother in law’s birthday party and put in the office refrigerator for an afternoon snack. Also, while you understand and acknowledge that this parade is for celebrating pride, you are determined to put an end to shit like this.

Cowboy stuff: Last time you went on vacation you forgot your Philips Sonicare toothbrush so you had to use a cheap plastic one you bought from the CVS down the street from the hotel. Not only did your elbow get sore from brushing this new way, but you got water on your iPhone when you brought it in the bathroom to time when two minutes was up. Also, fuck this. We all have to do better.

Wedding dress: The new top of the line headphones you bought for listening to classical piano music are so good that you can hear the pianist breathing, so now you use your old headphones but you can’t return the top of the line headphones because you had them for more than thirty days. Also, while you understand that the parade is for celebrating pride, you also refuse to take any fucking steps backward.


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