Despite my young age, I feel I’ve lived a rich and multilayered life. I’ve lived overseas, under the sea, and on the sea. Throughout this time, I’ve had my share of roommates; some were shitty, some were great, most were shitty. Now, I’ll take blame where I must. I am a clean freak. I need things to be shiny and hygienic and overall not revolting. I know, it’s too much to ask to clean a plate when you’re finished with it, or pick up all of the random clothes you’ve scattered across the living room. I get it, that kind of thing is unbelievably difficult and you should be rewarded for even considering doing it.

Yet I digress…what was I getting at? Oh yeah. In the grand scheme of roommates/housemates, no roomie is more predictable and shitty than the "Fat Stoner" roommate. I’ve lived with dozens in my day from all over the United States, and they are certainly the scum of the earth.

Where might one ash a joint, blunt, pipe, or bong? Well, the living room coffee table of course. Or how about the dining room table? I have nothing against weed. Smoke it. Smoke all you want. Don’t care. However, I do have a serious problem with "stoners." Stoners separate themselves from the weed-smoking crowd through their overwhelming sloth and decrepitude. In my mind, a "pothead" is generally functional. A pothead can wash themselves, clean their messes, and comprehend on a middle-school level (or higher!). Even a "burnout" is just a brain-dead, lovable idiot who can’t really function but who isn’t expected to. A stoner, on the other hand, can barely lift his balls to wash his grundle with a grubby old dish rag (yeah, didn’t need to get so graphic there, but come on, that’s visceral detail…stoner grundle).

What’s worse than a stoner, you ask? A fat fucking stoner. A fat stoner doesn’t necessarily have a weight problem, but he acts like he’s super-morbidly-obese when it comes to physical activity (walking, waking up, putting on socks). Fat stoners smell like sweat no matter how many "stoned showers" they indulge in, and their rooms consistently give off a sour weed, cat piss, Funyons type aroma. A fat stoner is the "perfect storm" or "Frankenstorm" of shitty roommates. All of the difficulties associated with morbidly obese roommates compounded with the general selfish sloth of a stoner (not a pothead, mind you).

Guy smoking marijuana on the couch
A time-lapse photo of your couch over 6 hours. Amazing clarity!
I’m not writing this to totally rag on fat stoners (well…that’s mostly the reason why, but what are they gonna do about it?) as much as I am to help all those in the market for a new roommate. Don’t slip into the trap. Fat stoners are funny in stoner comedies and in line at Taco Bell, but they aren’t good roommates. The telltale signs of a fat stoner are fairly obvious, and if you’re moving in together, it’s probably a good idea to know who the fuck he is first. I’ll let you know here, through my vast knowledge of fat stoner roommates, what to expect once you make the TERRIBLE decision to move in with them:

They make a good first impression.

Yes, it’s true. Even fat stoners have some idea about making good first impressions. They will be quite funny and endearing at first. They will offer to share everything that they bring to the living arrangement (pot, two bags of Cheetos, a coffee mug, a lighter, an old quilt, pot). You will find yourself explaining him to family friends as "a chill dude," and "real low-key." He may even, out of the kindness of his fat stoned heart, put a cup in the dishwasher. "What a generous soul," you will tell friends, "always doing his fair share." Don’t worry, this doesn’t last, and you can get to resenting him soon.

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They may appear semi-productive at first.

This falls in line with the good first impression. Fat stoners will seem to possess competent life skills. You will find them going to class, or work, or both, on a daily basis! This person would never skip class or spend an entire work day intermittently doing bong rips while taking up the entire couch, you’ll mistakenly think to yourself.

They drop crumbs everywhere.

This is where you’ll start to be annoyed. "Oh, it’s just a few potato chip crumbs, Brendan!" Yes, and Kristalnacht was just a few broken windows. Crumbs beget more crumbs. First they’re on the coffee table. Okay. Then they manifest between cushions, and soon they’re all over the floor and spread throughout the kitchen. Who eats this sloppily and constantly? Stoners. Fat ones. They carry around crumb-causing food and spread it like Johnny Appleseed. Cleaning up crumbs is like killing one ant: you get rid of one, and ten more spring up in its place.

They cough incessantly.

Stoners cough. A lot. In between bong hits, while pouring bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, while making "buffalo chicken pasta bites"…what else can one expect from frequently inhaling smoke? They’ll cough in their rooms, walking to the kitchen, brushing their teeth in the bathroom, and sleeping in bed. Prepare for a symphony of phlegmy, wheezy hacking, at all hours of the day (and night).

There will be ash everywhere.

Girl smoking weed on the sofa
According to your fat stoner roommate, all furniture must be labeled "No ashing here" or it’s fair game.
Where might one ash a joint, blunt, pipe, or bong? Well, the living room coffee table of course. Or how about the dining room table? The arm of your chair in the living room will work in a pinch. Why not the kitchen counter? Who would need that to be sanitary? Ash everywhere with no explanation or apology.

They will not clean up in the kitchen, regardless of how many passive aggressive notes you may leave.

This is where you think you’ve taken a stand. Oh, he’s left another dirty dish in the sink when he could have washed it, and it smells like rotten Cheez Whiz? Guess what, passive aggressive note time, bitch! "Please clean your dishes once you are finished with them. Thanks." Suck it, fat stoner! However, you forget that fat stoners don’t read what they don’t have to. This note doesn’t count as necessary reading material. They will trash the kitchen just as frequently, without a hint of giving-a-shit.

They won’t take out the trash.

Ever. They will, however, fill up the trash with Doritos bags at an alarming rate so you can take it out. Thanks buddy.

At least you’ll have the mornings to yourself.

Here is a positive (one of a few). Fat stoners rarely, if ever, wake up before 11am. If they have a job, it will be one that starts in the early afternoon. Most fat stoners will hibernate until at least noon, which leaves you all that beautiful time between 6-7am (before work) to drink coffee and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you can even watch a TV show if the DVR isn’t being used to record two shows at once (which it usually is). Savor this morning, and every morning, for it is fat stoner free.

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They will jump on the opportunity to criticize your minor and infrequent slip-ups.

Fat stoners aren’t all sleeping and smoking. They do have a nasty side. After all, to become a fat stoner you must be entirely selfish and without compassion. If you do something the slightest bit wrong (forget to flush the toilet after simply urinating…urine is sterile by the way, you fucking Nazis), the fat stoner will relish the process of letting you know. "Hey man, not a big deal or anything, but you forgot to flush the toilet. It kind of grosses me out, so just a heads up." Fuck you, fat prick.

They love wasting (others’) energy (i.e. electricity, oil, gas).

Fat stoners take long showers (and still manage to smell terrible all the while), cook for long periods of time (and always forget to turn off the oven), and leave on all electrical appliances long past their use. Fat stoners are a threat to our national energy security.

They will ASTONISH you with the boundlessness of their idleness.

I’ve seen fat stoners stay in one spot on a couch for 36 hours. The only form of movement will be reaching to grab their pipe, or going to the front door to get their Dominos order. Needless to say, when you return from work or class, the room will smell like farts and slowly decomposing flesh. Both smells emanate from the same source. Fat stoners are like zombies that have lost the will to chase humans.

They will raise your self-esteem.

This is perhaps the highlight of fat stoner roommates. Whenever you think, "I’m not good enough," or "I’m not doing enough," or "Maybe my body isn’t what it should be," look to your fat stoner roomie. This fat fuck is a useless drain on society and your electricity bill, he has zero sex drive (or any drive for that matter), very little purpose, and he definitely has budding tits. Imagine being him. It may be an "ignorance is bliss" situation, but the ignorant would probably be the first to die in a post-apocalyptic scenario (at least ignorant fat stoners would be).

There are certainly more things to expect from a fat stoner roomie. The message here is that most of these examples are shitty. The bad outweighs the good when it comes to fat stoners. They’re lazy, inconsiderate, and they drain the resources you probably hold dear (like your sanity). I know. I may sound bitter. You have probably known your fair share of stoners in your day, and they seemed quite harmless. I assure you they are not. Perhaps you knew potheads or burnouts, two species of frequent weed smokers who possess a different set of attributes than your fat stoner. Beware of the fat stoner as your roommate. He may seem "chill" and "easy going," but I assure you he is capable of sloth and shittiness the depths of which you cannot imagine. Go find yourself a drunk douchebag roommate instead. At least he likes to party.

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