Hello, Prospective Immigrant!

Are you a fan of liberty and personal responsibility? Do you find yourself unburdened by feelings of “empathy” for other people? Do you dislike paying taxes? Are you being sincere, and not in any way sarcastic, when you say that Ayn Rand is “an inspiration”?

Well then, our Libertarian Utopia might be right for you!

Our community is founded upon an obsessive love for liberty. Primarily liberty for corporations, but also liberty for regular people. Our Libertarian Utopia has done away with the sin of government overreach, best exemplified by the fact that we have completely eliminated taxation.

Although we don’t have many laws, we do have one of the most profitable privatized police forces in the world.

That’s right, NO taxes! Whaaaaat? You may have heard from leftist propagandists that our liberation from taxation has caused problems, but I assure you that those reports are greatly exaggerated. Sure, some of our roads have so many potholes that they bear a resemblance to the lunar surface, and it may be true that our bridges have been known to collapse under excessive weight or if it’s a windy day, but hey, no taxes! You get to keep the entirety of your paycheck! Now since we don’t oppress businesses with minimum wage laws, it’s possible your paycheck may seem a tad small, but you get to keep the entire thing. It balances out!

Here in our Libertarian Utopia, the right to defend yourself and the right to bear arms are absolute and never restricted. You can purchase as many AR-15’s and bump stocks as you want. In fact, we place no restrictions of any kind on any weapon. If you’re wealthy enough to afford it you can go ahead and order a tactical nuclear weapon from Eddie’s Tactical Nuclear Weapon Emporium. That’s your right!

It’s true we had a few incidents recently in which some mentally unstable individuals misused their legally acquired weaponized smallpox strains, but that is a small price to pay for freedom.

Speaking of plague outbreaks that are difficult to contain due to the lack of a government-run disaster management and relief agency, our Libertarian Utopia is home to some of the finest healthcare in the world. To access this healthcare, you simply need to utilize your freedom to accrue vast sums of wealth that will cover your medical expenditures. If you have neglected to maximize your freedom to become sufficiently rich, our lack of medical licensing requirements means that discounted healthcare options can be found in many gas stations and alleyways.

You always have a choice!

One of the best elements of our Libertarian Utopia is that businesses are finally free to truly maximize their profits, no longer constrained by socialist concepts such as labor laws, unions, safety inspections, or maternity leave. Children have the freedom to learn the value of hard work at an early age by seeking employment in one of our many job-creating factories. Not only can they help feed their families, but they can earn some of their own elementary school tuition, which will come in handy should they survive to elementary school age.

From birth to the mass grave, workers will always have the joy of knowing they are contributing to the success of the free market!

Another false rumor that’s been circulating about our Libertarian Utopia is that we are a dangerous and lawless nation overwhelmed by crime and roving bands of cannibals. First of all, although we don’t have many laws, we do have one of the most profitable privatized police forces in the world. For a nominal monthly subscription fee, you can ensure a police response to your emergency needs.

The speed of that response is, of course, dependent upon the level of membership you choose. Personally, I recommend the Gold Subscription! For a monthly fee of only $299.99 you guarantee yourself a police response in forty minutes or less. Not only that, but the Gold Subscription is bundled with their fire department services as well! What a bargain!

As for the cannibalism, well, look, it’s certainly frowned upon. Sometimes when the free market chooses to allow the cost of food to be higher than average wages, a few people will opt to use their liberty in an inappropriate fashion and feast on human flesh. We strongly discourage this practice.

Enshrined in our brief constitution is a quote by the famed Libertarian idol, Ayn Rand: “I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” Selfishness always had a bad rap, but we do away with the old preconceptions here. If this life of true liberty appeals to you, immigrate to our Libertarian Utopia today!

Please…seriously…our population is running low. Please come!


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