Hiiii, welcome to Sephora! I’m here to help you look your best!

We like to start out by letting you know a few things: an excessive use of bronzer is not the same as blackface, and our lawyer is a wax replica of Kylie Jenner’s lips in a leather wing-backed armchair. So no questions, please, because the lips can’t technically open.

Yes, I am that woman who had 27 contacts amassed in her cornea, but that was only because I didn’t buy a new tube of Dior mascara every month like we’ve told you is absolutely hygienically crucial. Yes, it’s really because of that. No, I was not instructed by the lawyer lips to say that to generate Sephora billions in mascara revenue.

Anyway, seriously no more questions.

Your hair color doesn’t really match your skin tone… that’s your natural color? Yeah, that doesn’t matter.

I would say for youuuuu that this new blush we have called “You’re An Embarrassment” would be perfect.

Oh, it’s “hard to trust my opinion because you don’t want to look like It”? You want a more “toned-down” look than mine?

Well, it has a million sparkles in it, so if you’re looking for a daytime look, you should just stand near it and a strong wind, so just the right amount of glitter can come your way. That technique is called “natural.” If you don’t like it, you can fuck off to Lush.

Did you come here for a signature scent? Are you looking for a smell that says “I know you want me, but I’m underage” or “I know you want me, but I’m Chris’s mother”? The difference is that the first is fresh floral, and the second is woody floral.

You don’t need any? Ohhh, honey.

If I’m being honest with you, we peddle musk. If I’m being totally honest with you, it’s a known fact that human men are technically only attracted to male musk deer and their powerful secretions. Human women must cloak themselves in their pheromonal spray.

Musk deer in the wild

You're going to have to channel the musk deer shown here.

So now for the main event, your foundation, we cover every shade liiiiterally imaginable. Here we have: Potato Famine, Colonialist Flushed With Indian Summer, Mayo With Olive Oil, The Shtetl Rose, Sephardisiac, Pre-Syphilitic Victorian Sex Worker, Half-Irish Half-Italian Fully-Jersey Sunburned, “I’m 1/19th Cherokee So I Can’t Be Racist,” My Super Sweet Sixteen (now in a poreless aerosol), A Glass Of Milk As An Acceptable Beverage, Beige Feminism, Mike Huckabee, Trump’s Eye Region also known as When Twilight Was Popular, The Color On The Rest Of Donald Trump’s Face also known as When Everyone Thought Skin Cancer Was Just A Joke But It Definitely Isn’t, Osteoporosis, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, and Mocha.

Oh, you have 1,000 Beauty Insider points from years of sharing an account with your mother in the hopes of cashing them in for a fun gift?

You can redeem that for 1 gram of artisanal face wash if you’d like.

Again, please don’t ask if that’s really just the Duane Reade generic of Neutrogena that we’ve put in an impossibly tiny, fancy bottle. Our lawyer is a teen mom.

Great, we’ve sidetracked. We also have a $48 Nars lipstick that you can smash against your forehead to look like a bindi.

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