Welcome to Heaven! As I’m sure you can see, we’re really quite busy (prayers, damnations, making sure the correct team wins the Super Bowl), and there just aren’t enough angels to touch everyone. We hope this pamphlet answers all of your questions about your new eternity.
Am I dead?
Yes. Very dead.
Can you bring me back to life?
If you’re looking for reincarnation, that’s not really our department. If you’re looking to become a zombie, God has decreed that they are "unholy" and "gross," so that’s a no. If you’re looking for a Jesus-type miracle, we ask that you lower your expectations.
Can I go back to Earth?
We can send you back as a ghost, but only to haunt your enemies, deliver vague messages to loved ones, or help detectives solve New York’s hardest crimes.
Am I here forever?
We like to call it "FUNever." But yes. Forever.
What is there to do in heaven?
To begin, everyone has mandatory harp practice every day from 11-6, except Sunday, when it’s 10-8. Outside of that, we have many fun events scheduled, such as year-round Easter egg hunts, cross making, and numerous harp concerts.
Finally, God has answered your prayers.
What if I don’t like the harp?
We understand that the harp isn’t for everyone, so we have set up a range of introductory harp courses to get you into it. We have "Harp 101," "Harps Anonymous," and "Harping Mad," our harp-inspired improv team.
Will I be able to visit my loved ones?
Yes, as long as it’s in between harp sessions. A fun solution is to create a family harp band, so that you can see them during practice, and during the entire month of December, in which everyone will be on triple harp duty.
Am I an angel?
Technically, yes. You are a tier one angel. You don’t have wings, but you can fly business class on all heavenly flights.
How do I increase my tier?
Heaven’s top angels are the purest of heart and the holiest of the people. They are also the best harp players the afterlife has ever known, and we are always looking for new talent.
Can I meet God?
Every month, one lucky angel gets the chance to meet God during a private, unplugged harp session with the Yahweh himself. Outside of this time, God is quite busy preforming miracles, answering fan mail, and rigging major elections.
Is there wifi in heaven?
Heaven comes equipped with state of the art Internet services. However, the only websites you may visit are ChristianMingle.com, ChristianSingle.com, and ChristianBale.org. We also create you an official #Heaven SoundCloud page, so you can share your harp playing with the Above World Wide Web.
Can I masturbate in heaven?
If you do, we ask that you don’t do so in sight of a harp.
Are there other instruments I can play besides the harp?
If you’re looking for a change of style, Hell offers one of the most celebrated death metal programs available, and purgatory produces some of the best elevator music this side of mortality.
Does this mean I was a good person?
Possibly. Either good, great, all right, or you’ve been drafted for your harp skills.
We hope that you have a pleasant eternity in heaven! Your new address is 1322 CLOUD STREET, which will include two small bedrooms, one for you and one for your harp.