Dear Sir,

My name is Henry Mills and I would like to personally thank you for your recent purchase of my life-long invention, the Fleshlight. Inside your package you will find an individual serial number and handwritten certificate of authenticity to confirm your purchase’s legitimacy. And like all Fleshlights, this one has been rigorously hand-tested before being shipped to you, our highly valued customer!

Fleshlight variations

As a Fleshlight customer, you are acknowledging the brilliance of my invention and are probably aware of the story of how a power outage in my home one night opened the door to a whole new world of self-satisfaction and further reluctance to talk to women. The idea itself evolved over the years, as most great inventions do. It started primitively as the CunnyCandle, then onto the OilDamp, followed by…well, if you don’t know the story, I have included it in the back of this welcome kit, on the page proceeding maintenance, as well as the step-by-step method for recommended bi-annual cleaning of your Fleshlight.

Personally, I would not like to say that I am as dazzling or innovative as Edison or Jobs, but you and I both know that I am. This landmark invention wasn’t as simple as finding the similarities between a female sex organ and an empty flashlight battery canister, no, no, no. There’s a business end to this, and that is where my battle began. Do you know how many board rooms I was laughed out of when pitching my invention? I couldn’t even tell you how many. It was a struggle, convincing people I had reinvented the wheel. But thanks to valued customers like you, we are proving to all of them that there is no point to using your hand when you have a velvety silicone tube in which to put your dick into. You sir, are a trendsetter!

RELATED:  It's Not Easy Being a Mummy

And as a trendsetter, it is up to you to spread the word of this miraculous invention. I have packed the inside of your Fleshlight to the labia with bumper stickers to put on your car or your desk at work, as well as a Fleshlight t-shirt to wear while traipsing through the park or grocery store. Don’t let others remain ignorant in their brainwashed, default ways of masturbating. To think, people still use their hands for this stuff. Some guys even get girlfriends or wives. It’s like, hello! It’s the 21st century: stick your dick into a silicone tube!

Enjoy your Fleshlight. I hope you have as much fun using it as I did inventing it. Thank you and happy tubing!

Signed,

Henry Mills

Suggested next: