Philadelphia: While tempted to play with talented up-and-comers like Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons, James is wary of the City of Brotherly Love, as it’s rumored to be the home of a couple of guys who are up to no good, who often start trouble in their neighborhood, particularly getting in little fights with basketball players. If James does go with Philadelphia, expect a sign-and-trade deal that will ship him to the Bel Air Princes.

Houston: They’re the only team that’s both a title contender and has the money to pay LeBron, although it would come in the form of oil pumped directly out of the ground and given to James in large, unwieldy metal barrels.

New York: On the day after James’ Cleveland Cavaliers were swept 4-0 in the NBA Finals by the Golden State Warriors, James met with Knicks general manager Scott Perry and other team executives. The team offered James a staggering two-year, $300 million deal, but James reportedly won’t accept it unless the team agrees to James’ only term: that the Knicks revert to their original name, The Knickerbockers of the Borough of Manhattan.

Golden State: After being defeated by the same team in three out of the last four NBA Finals, James may decide that if you can’t beat ‘em, to join ‘em. Adding the best player in the league to a squad that already boasts three future Hall of Famers in Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant, and Klay Thompson would enable the Warriors to dominate the league for years to come. But at what cost? The scuttlebutt holds that James is the final Infinity Stone. If the Warriors sign James, they will possess the complete set of Infinity Stones and thus have ultimate power over not just the universe and everything in it, but, more importantly, the NBA. In the blink of an eye, the power of the Infinity Stones would reduce the NBA to just 15 teams.

Sacramento: At the conclusion of the NBA Finals, James revealed that his teammates’ bone-headed moves in Game 1 left him so frustrated that he punched a wall and broke his hand. And yet, he still played in three more games and turned in outstanding performances. This news left James highly in-demand as a construction site “puncher,” a vital member of any crew who begins a teardown by punching through a structure’s outer walls with his strong and powerful fists. A bidding war between several Sacramento-based construction firms is underway, with speculation that James could be offered an annual salary of $35,000 to $40,000, plus health benefits through the union that are reportedly “pretty good.”

Los Angeles: James owns a home and runs some businesses in the greater L.A. area, so this could be a good fit for him. It’s also where pre-production is underway on Trainwreck 2, the sequel to the 2015 comedy Trainwreck, in which James was surprisingly and delightfully very funny playing an exaggerated version of himself. However, Trainwreck 2 won’t feature any prominent member of the cast of the original Trainwreck, including Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, Vanessa Bayer, or Brie Larson. Filmmakers have signed Clint Howard, and are hopeful that they can get LeBron James on board for the movie, which will be about the two of them solving train robberies in the Wild West.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles: James may star in a reboot of Space Jam. Fun!

Cleveland: Of course, James could opt to stay in Cleveland. He grew up in Ohio, and he’s basically a god there, having delivered the city its first sports championship in nearly 60 years. He’s also got kids, and he might not want to make them switch schools. If James stays in Cleveland, there are plenty of opportunities for him to grow and thrive. For example, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is looking to hire someone who can politely tell visitors to please not touch the collection of Stevie Nicks’ shawls.

Elsewhere in Cleveland: The only man in Cleveland more famous—or infamous—than LeBron James is the city’s reformed supervillain, General Nefario. Finally caught by local authorities (with a large assist from a mysterious but mighty superhero known only as “King 23”), Nefario was forced to pay restitution to the city, and he did so by turning his army of “CleveBorgs” (half human clones, half robots) into the Cleveland LeBrots, a basketball team imbued with the abilities of LeBron James. Could the real LeBron James—whose blood was stolen by General Nefario to make the CleveBorgs in the first place—join the LeBrots when they enter the NBA in the 2020-21 season?

Chicago: James could end those pesky “Who’s better—LeBron James or Michael Jordan?” arguments once and for all. He could even quit basketball entirely and go play minor league baseball for a year.

Washington: By successfully recruiting James, the Washington Generals could finally have a shot at taking down those damn Harlem Globetrotters.

Overseas: The NBA’s tireless efforts to popularize basketball outside of North America in the 1980s and 1990s worked too well. Evil aliens have mastered the game, and have threatened Earth’s destruction unless humanity sends its best player to play—and defeat them. Yes, like Space Jam. Also, we have 48 hours.


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