In this political climate, why stop at arming teachers when we can arm everyone in every school! Students, cafeteria employees, janitors. Not just guns, either! Shanks, nun-chucks, even cannons; we need an arsenal to prevent these relatively rare tragic school shootings from occurring.

It’s un-American to not want to carry a weapon to a place of learning and frankly, we don’t have any room for these traitors in our society. How dare teachers enter the world of professional teaching without  expecting some armed combat along the way?

Who’s in favor of ending “gun-free zones” and replacing them with “free gun zones”? The answer to every question is more. In this country, when has it ever been less? We already lead the world in school and workplace violence, why quit when we’re ahead? Let’s increase the opportunity for mass carnage and really show the world we mean business.

Janitors get cannons. Obviously. Sure, they’re clunky and awkward but janitors don’t deserve anything more.

Think of the potential for chaos!

Cafeteria workers will be outfitted with the best shanks ever, since every prison shanking seems to occur in a cafeteria. It’s perfectly logical to arm these fruit-scooping employees with devious weapons. No uppity child will dare complain about their pizza tasting like cardboard again. Not with the threat of cafeteria justice!

Of course, Greta better not miss little Tommy when she frustratingly flings her weapon of mass instruction in his direction. Not with little Tommy sporting a rocket launcher on his shoulder. Imagine the feeling of satisfaction when little Tommy takes aim at Greta, and in his prepubescent voice says, “Serve this?”

Janitors get cannons. Obviously. Sure, they’re clunky and awkward but janitors don’t deserve anything more because they’re probably here illegally. It’s absurd to demand the deportation of these murderers and rapists one day, and then supply them with anything more dangerous than a cannon the next. The political blowback would be immense.

Besides, nothing relieves the frustration of a clogged toilet quite like a cannon. The best way to guarantee 100% compliance with the utilization of toilet seat paper protectors? The threat of receiving a massive hole in your chest, obviously.

Only school principals will be rewarded for their hard work and dedicated climb up the corporate ladder by receiving gold-lined flamethrowers. Let’s face it, having anything more than one flamethrower in a school would be a little excessive, even for America.

Nationwide, we can designate Thursday’s as “Bring-Your-Own-Machete-to-School Day.” Instead of 4th graders comparing their freshest pair of sneakers, they can whip out their shiny, sharpened machetes for comparison.

What kid wouldn’t complete their homework with the looming threat of their English teacher brandishing a Glock nine the next morning? A short-lived student, perhaps. Although kids may get the jump on their teachers with guns of their own. In that case, we’re all just collateral damage under this plan anyway, which is exactly what makes it so genius.

America first!

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