Saturday Night Live, folks, SNL. Wow, terrible. Never liked it. Terrible ratings, sloppy. Maybe good once, long time ago.  You remember, you remember, how could you not is really what’s true. Some laughs, not the biggest laughs, but some laughs during the history of the show. Saturday Night Live. Bad now, downhill. And let me tell you the worst part. Awful, terrible: I watch, and I see me in every episode, but I wasn’t on the show recently. Haven’t in a long time, I’m not in the studio. So why do I see myself on the screen week after week after week?

My advisors, Kellyanne Conway, how great is she, and others, the best people, tell me it isn’t me. They say a man named Alec Baldwin, he does the Saturday Night Live show. Impressions, it’s called. You see me, you this Baldwin, identical, the same… identical. SNL, I watch, I’m not so sure. Might be me. Makes no sense, this Baldwin says things, I say things, sometimes, often, really all the time, he says what I say. Does what I do, even.

The same look. The hair, the face, everything. It’s the same, same as mine. I look and I see me, I touch my hair—make sure it’s still on my head, that the liberal media didn’t steal it to use on the show. Look around, make sure I’m not on the set. When I watch I think to myself, I’m pretty sure I’m not on TV right now. I watch the screen and I wonder. Maybe I was on it. So much TV I do, folks, President of the United States, part of the job, part of the job. Could I have been on SNL? Very possible. Strange, something’s up. Going to look into it, find out what’s going on.

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Donald Trump incredulous hands out speaking at a podium

Could be technology. They have so much technology these days, from China this stuff, and the editing together. Taking different words, said years apart and not together, and making them a sentence, lying to the American people, big reason why they’re enemies of the people. I say things I see myself say on Saturday Night Live, but then there’s new stuff that I didn’t. Edited together, maybe. It’s not me, apparently, it seems, maybe, well, you know, and I’m not so sure.

Or maybe this Alec Baldwin is me. Could be me on Saturday Night Live. I do so many great things every day, maybe acting is one of them. Might not remember. Advisors, my aides, the cabinet that the Democrats haven’t even confirmed yet, pathetic, they say no, Baldwin, Baldwin, different human being. Actor. 30 Rock, also a beautiful building in New York by the way. Not as tall as Trump Tower, but nice. Passable. The movie, they say, Glengarry something real estate, I love real estate, my passion. Could’ve been in it, honestly. Probably was, between you and me.

It’s a crisis, people. Nobody talking about it, just like the terrible infrastructure or Hillary’s emails or Obamacare. Only me, only me. Could be more impressions, dangerous. This SNL, it’s scary, folks. Could do an impression of ISIS or Mexican immigrants. Decoys, they call them in the military, army navy, air force, marines. The branches. I know all the branches. Basically, I mean, another ISIS, double immigrants, double evil. You have the bad guys, then you have the impressions on top of the bad guys. Both, even more, scary.

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Alec Baldwin doing his Donald Trump impression on SNL

Gonna keep watching, gotta keep watching, have to, have to. Part of the job, in charge of the country. Plus I know more about TV, than, I would say anyone. Apprentice. Fantastic, phenomenal show. Could be a man called Baldwin pretending, or maybe… I’m Baldwin. Could be doing the show after all, not so sure, so busy as Commander-in-Chief, you people have no idea. Or this bad technology. Someone in a basement somewhere, the Chinese, who knows. Find out, I can find, very important. Any and all possibilities. Good at finding.

I hereby promise the American people I am looking into this awful, disturbing problem. I’ll get answers. Then we’ll know. I’ll know, the country will know, and I’ll be able to get back to tweeting about other issues.

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