Underground History: Panhandles of the Great J. Edgar Hoover

The cross-dressing Hoover's phallic jealousy consumed him.

J. Edgar Hoover with a Tommy Gun

It's well known that FBI director J. Edgar Hoover was a flaming, cross-dressing closet queen with an obsession for large male appendages. Hoover was such an insatiable sausage-hound that when one of his ex-lovers invented a device to pick up dirt, he named it "The Hoover" in his honor. Like its namesake, the Hoover vacuum cleaner could purportedly suck a softball through a garden hose.

Hoover had outlaw John Dillinger under arrest, but when "Big John" broke out of the Crown Point Indiana jail back in ‘33, he humiliated Hoover and the FBI. Hoover hated Dillinger because he was jealous of Johnny's rumored 23-inch "Tommy-Gun."

J. Edgar Hoover dressed as a woman

After he was shot outside the Biograph in Chicago, Hoover had Dillinger's freakishly large trouser-snake surgically removed and preserved in a jar of formaldehyde on his desk as a paperweight well into the 40's. He subsequently donated it to the Smithsonian Institute. All records of the "Brobdingnagian-Boinker" were subsequently destroyed. Don't bother calling up the Smithsonian to verify this story, because they'll just deny any knowledge of Dillinger's Washington Monument-like putz. But they've got it... oh they've got it. It's in the sub-basement right next to the Alternate Constitution and Grover Cleveland's collection of erotic scrimshaw.

In the early 60's Hoover turned his sights on then-president John F. Kennedy and his mighty Irish Shillaly. Jack reportedly had to have a strange piece of ass every day or he got a migraine headache. With "Johnny-Be-Bad" around, the crack of dawn wasn't safe. It got to the point where the Secret Service had to cover up all the light sockets in the White House lest the leader of the free world electrocute himself trying to copulate with one of the outlets.

J. Edgar Hoover on the cover of Life Magazine in 1971
Hoover liked to think he was erect at all times.
Hoover had the goods on Kennedy since he'd been bugging his numerous dalliances with the likes of Marilyn Monroe, mafia-moll Judith Campbell Exner, and the entire chorus line of the Broadway musical The Pajama Game, just to name a few. I'm not saying he had anything to do with JFK's death, but after the assassination, Hoover was once again the "biggest stick" in Washington.

Kennedy's successor, the appropriately named Lyndon "Johnson" (despite possessing a Texas sized post-hole pounder of his own that was nothing to sneeze at), didn't pose as much of a threat to Hoover because most of President Johnson's amorous affections were directed toward livestock.

Another of Hoover's big obsessions was the Reverend Martin Luther King, a "church" leader, as well as a notoriously well-endowed, serial womanizer, and Hoover (who had a pathological horror of sexual relations with women) loathed him. Again, he was consumed with jealousy and used the FBI to make King's life miserable. With King out of the way, it was mate and checkmate for Jane Edgar Hoover!

Hoover was finally done-in when G. Gordon Liddy, a member of tricky "Dick" Nixon's notorious "Plumbers" unit trained a killer-suicide squad of rabid gerbils and sent them to J. as a present. He died a painful and embarrassing death at Roy Cohn's townhouse later that evening during a "party." His demise was officially ruled a heart attack, but the unfortunate gerbils were never heard from again.

Next time on Underground History: Hitler, The Fuhrer of Farts.



Related on Points in Case
Popular Around the Web



casseinecaroline's picture

J. Edgar Hoover is a real legend in the history of FBI. He did his job well, that's why he deserved to be great

Mike Lamb's picture

I'd read a series of these.