If you’re not a seasoned veteran of the Twitter streets then some of these girls’ tweets might be hard to decipher. After a few years of research and experiments, I have gradually turned into the Rosetta Stone of this Twitter shit. Let me start off with some basic translations for beginners.
"Someone come cuddle"
Translation: "Someone from the football or basketball team come fornicate with me"
Don’t get excited by this tweet. "Someone" doesn’t mean "anyone." Obviously she doesn’t want Felix from her microbiology class or Trevor from the friend zone to come fondle her. This tweet is a desperate attempt to get the attention of Quincy from the football team, or Bradley from Alpha Kappa.
Translation: "I’m 100% not over it"
She’s not over it. In fact, she’s WAY under it and she’s sinking even further into the fiery pits of desperation and mental instability.
"Craving chipotle rn"
Translation: "I’m kind of hungry but I’m mostly just craving a couple retweets and favorites"
The girls who are truly "craving Chipotle" aren’t lying in bed constructing tweets, they’re in their car and on the way to Chipotle faster than a Busta Rhymes verse. A true Chipotle-craving female has no time to even open her Twitter app when that craving sets in; she’s in that long ass line salivating like R Kelly at a middle school dance. A real Chipotle-craving woman is in that bitch strapped up with enough money for a burrito with guac, chips, and a drink. S/o to my BBWs.
"Bring me Starbucks and I’ll love you forever"
Translation: "I need someone new to add to the friend zone"
Her friend zone roster is getting weak so she’s trying to pick up some talented free agents on some Moneyball shit. She’s scouting the Twittersphere for some FZ prospects who are still naive and energetic. A fresh new set of limbs who will do the tasks that the veterans on her team aren’t willing to do anymore: deliver her lattes to the library, change her flat tire in the middle of the winter, turn in her online homework so she can go make dinner for Bradley and his frat brothers, etc.
"I just went through Quincy’s text messages while he was sleeping"
"Life is seriously so unfair sometimes"
"My Instagram selfie got less than 100 likes and my self-esteem is temporarily destroyed"
"All guys are the same"
"Quincy from the football team and Bradley from Alpha Kappa successfully played me in a similar manner"
"I need a man who will spoil me and treat me like a princess everyday"
"I’m a psychotic serial killer who has a variety of human body parts in my refrigerator"