To: All Staff
From: Chad Defoe Jr.
Re: Transition of Chad’s Bikini Bar and Grill to Chad’s Family Bar and Grill
After 30 great years, we’ve decided to scale back our breastaurant theme and make the transition to one of a more family-friendly restaurant. We’ve had three decades of fun in the sun, but current market realities and the Obama administration make this change necessary. After all, the world has changed a lot since Dad first opened the doors back in 1986.
Starting next week, we will no longer be called Chad’s Bikini Bar and Grill, rather we will be called Chad’s Family Bar and Grill. And two years from now we will phase out our classic red bikini uniform. Our classic red bikini uniform will be replaced with red Bermuda shorts and a red halter-top. It’s important to know that our tradition of all red uniforms will continue to be honored.
We will also be scaling back our long honored body shot tradition. Body shots will no longer be offered on Mondays or Wednesdays. It has also come to our attention that our body shot policy violates certain state gender equity laws. Thus, starting Tuesday, costumers will be able to order body shots off of Mario, the cook.
One thing that will not change, our legendary hula-hoop contests will continue, because children love hula-hoops. All staff will be required to practice their hula hooping three days a week.
Wait staff will no longer participate in weekly weigh-ins; they will participate in monthly weigh-ins. We understand that the weekly weigh-ins have been burdensome, and we are pleased to off the flexibility of monthly weigh-ins.
The memorabilia from Waverly, Iowa that has adorned our walls since our opening, will be replaced by memorabilia from Spirit Lake, Iowa.
The Twitter account’s “Dirty Joke of the Day” will be replaced by a “Clean Joke of the Day.” Currently we also post on twitter, a weekly image of a woman’s cleavage known as the “Hump Day Hoots.” This series will now be called the “Wednesday Wake Up.”
“Big Chad’s Wet T-Shirt Contest” will be replaced by the “Chad Jr.’s Wacky T-Shirt Contest.” The wacky t-shirts will also be wet.
The double-entendres on or menu will be toned down. For example the bleu cheese crusted full-breast chicken platter now called “The Gorgonzola Gazungas” will soon be called “Two Perfect Breasts.” Similarly, the “Helluva Big Rack,” will just be called the “Big Rack.”
This is an exciting time at Chad’s, and we’re so pleased to keep serving our customers. We are proud to call you members of the Chad’s family. And, just a reminder, the first monthly weigh-in will be on Monday morning, and remember to wear your classic red bikini. We want to send off our classic uniform with a bang.
Thanks for the mammaries!