So, in the time-honored tradition of all college humor sites everywhere, and
also because I have the imagination of an autistic child, I present to you a
list of…
A myth perpetuated by racists and the colorblind, there is no basis for wild
accusations against the poor black cat. Whenever I see a black cat, I don’t
think it’s unlucky. In fact, I see a chance to hone my already extensive hunting
skills and possibly snag a delicious meal for the near future. It’s not a sin
because animals don’t have feelings.
| 9.
“The Nightmare Before Christmas” is for people who shop at
Hot Topic. |
Is there a girl in any of your classes who wears Spoon sweatshirts,
ankle-hugger jeans, and square Elvis Costello glasses? Do you want to fuck her
while she wears those glasses? There’s an easier way to get into her pants than
by casually dropping shitty indie bands she’s probably already heard of and
hates because more than 0 people know about them.
Watch the movie, memorize the words to the opening song, and invite her over
to your place to watch it. When the film begins, sing along for a couple verses,
stop embarrassedly, look shyly at her and say, “I’m sorry, I always ruin the
movie for everyone else because I know all the words.”
Tip: Ankle-hugger jeans are hard to take off in a hurry; show a little
consideration whilst removing them.
| 8.
Haunted houses aren’t scary when you get older. |
If you don’t think haunted houses are scary anymore, you aren’t drunk enough.
Drinking before going to a haunted house is a guaranteed way to piss your
pants—either laughing at your friend who punched the guy dressed as a ghost who
jumped out at you or out of complete, total, jaw-clenching fear. The house will
furnish the unrealistic props and the guys who scare the shit out of people for
a living; your drunken ADD will furnish the atmosphere and the child-like
response to badly-dressed monsters.
| 7.
Being good at pumpkin carving is impressive. |
Try again, faggot.
| 6.
Bats don’t give you superpowers. |
They gave Christian Bale the power to make millions of dollars at the box
office while expressing just one emotion for a two-hour film: barely suppressed
rage. What are you, retarded?
He’s the goddamn Batman.
Think about something you love doing and do fairly often, like playing
basketball with friends or having sex (we’ll stretch the usage of the phrase
“fairly often”). Now imagine a douchebag dressed up like Scooby-Doo drunkenly
running onto the court and shoving people around. Or someone dressed in a giant
Squidward costume spilling beer all over you while you were trying to (lovingly)
fuck the shit out of some indie girl.
Goths hate Halloween. It makes a total mockery of everything they believe in,
like Satan, and drawing pentagrams in their own blood.
|
4. The Saw
series is worthwhile. |
If I knew America wanted to see two hours of random torture scenes linked
together by some tenuous “life lesson” bullshit, I’d have videotaped myself
practicing autoerotic asphyxiation to a Bernstein Bears book and made myself a
hit series years ago.
| 3.
Girls who wear sexy costumes are into you. |
It’s funny, girls do this thing where they
dress and act like total whores and don’t follow through. Weird.
| 2.
The candy you receive will have razor blades and needles in
them. |
You think razor blades and needles are cheap? I don’t have that kind of money
to waste on hurting children. Besides, I’m so much bigger and smarter than kids
are. Do you think I’d really need anything other than my fist to do enough
damage to put them in a mental institution/my basement? I could totally fuck a
9-year-old’s shit up.
|
1. Drunk driving isn’t cool. |
It is. Doubly so if you’re dressed up like A.C. Slater from
Saved by the Bell.
For Salem.
