1. DJ Toss
It takes a special person to be a successful DJ, but forget about that because you need a mediocre DJ willing to be jetpacked clear across the ballroom. Select a young college student with serious majors whose real passion is music and hire him or her!
These knights of the turntables have been "scratching" (not a euphemism for masturbating) alone (okay, they probably do masturbate) in their dorm rooms for months. They're ready for the HOTTEST of underground nightclubs! Or, failing that, a cross-cultural wedding.
It's time to spin in public, even if that means spinning their whole body through the air! They like to remix it up. They like to stretch their legs in those skinny jeans. It's all about that dreamy vibe.
If your DJ seems at all unsure, remind him or her that they sealed their own fate when they opened up the dance floor with their DJ Request Form. All you're looking for is a cheap superstar DJ able to scratch some laid-back beats and also be happy to take part in your anti-bouquet, musical, rocket launching cannonball. Simple.
2. Grandma Toss
What is more satisfying than watching the oldest, most beautiful woman in attendance be the star of your wedding? I'm going to drop some eternal truth: You owe it to Grandma to catapult her vivaciousness into the crowd of unwed ladies assembled like a line dancing hoedown.
Grandma never went to college, never joined a sorority, and never drove a red sports car. She started working at the very young age of 13, removing fish heads in a factory. Impressive, right? You complain when you're asked to try on a sweater that your grandmother has knitted for you. Would you like me to take all of your grandmother's hand-knitted pillows and sweaters? That can be arranged. Would you like me to tell everybody that you're opting to chuck a younger, more fertile woman rather than your loving Meemaw? That can also be arranged.
Look at her. All elbows and knees. Sitting so primly at the table with her portable oxygen tank and spasms. She wasn't born an aerialist, but she can brave it out. Probably!
3. Hunger Games DVD Toss
You want the Disney fairytale wedding, but you're a feminist trying to forge new paths through old traditions. "Best Person," "Dude of Honor" and "I want to watch you die" instead of "obey"—that sort of thing. Why not throw a bundle of foliage made entirely of pungent garlic to ward off evil spirits? (That's crazy. I was testing you, brides.)
Choose an option that passes the Bechdel test: throw a copy of The Hunger Games into the air!
One way to sidestep the societal pressures of a floral toss is to remind your guests, young and old, that women can achieve other things in life besides only getting married and having little gremlins. Participants within a Hunger Games-style fight-to-the-death melee catching an actual Hunger Games DVD? The irony. Unless your single gal pals aren't fans of Jennifer Lawrence. In which case, have a Divergent DVD closeby!
4. Lamp Toss
When you were asked the question, "How are you still single?" did someone blindly throw a free, beautiful bouquet from a certain distance towards your head?
Didn't think so.
This isn't a rock garden; it's a reception venue. Set up the moment like you're an NBA referee during a jump ball, toss a lamp into the air, and see who taps the lamp for possession.
You heard me. LAMP.
The ancient art of balancing energy was created just for you. Feng Shui your special day!
Also, and it may sound crazy, but be sure to choose an Antique Brass Metal Floor Lamp.
One word of caution: metal and glass floor lamps are ridiculously heavy and if the toss becomes a brawl that results in an aggravated assault, or your guest gets bashed over the head with it, you could easily get arrested. Nevertheless, nobody wants to take home a mini lava lamp. Whether you're brand new to lamp-tossing or an experienced pro, your out-of-town single guest will be grateful she caught herself a shiny new lamp!
5. Honeymoon Ticket Toss
Want to hear your female guest yell, "I'M NEXT"? Then regift your romantic honeymoon! Nothing says happy couple, paradise, and joyous lift over the threshold like giving away your trip to Argentina to your frenemy, Janice. Or to Lauren, your coworker, who basically invited herself when she peered over your cubicle wall right when you Googled "Is nosegay offensive to gay people??"
I'm not going to lie: This will be an emotional toss. Especially if your former babysitter swipes your plane ticket. After all, she always talked about wanting to learn Argentine tango. She most likely romanticized the sultry dismounts for the sake of bedtime fiction.
Feel better? Great!
Remember, a good idea is to honor that non-friend during a formal toast because you'll want to introduce your new husband to his new travel companion who will enjoy your orgasmic honeymoon for you!