“We’re going to war in the South China Sea in five to 10 years, aren’t we? There’s no doubt about that.”

–Steve Bannon, White House Chief Strategist

Since the dawn of human civilization, the gods of Mount Olympus have delighted in looking down upon the bloody clashes of human civilization. In my position as God of War, I have been especially entertained by wars among the world’s most powerful nations.

The greatest of these wars–World War II–was a pleasure to behold. That was war as it was meant to be fought, a clash of the mightiest empires. And the climax! An entire city demolished in an instant–not once but twice. A spectacle to please the God of War.

Unfortunately, since then, the golden era of human wars has fizzled. I was so looking forward to a nuclear-fueled superpower clash between the Soviet Union and the United States America. Instead, they produced the tepid and disappointing “Cold War.”

“Humans are finally doing what must be done to usher in a new era of warfare between the world’s mightiest nations.”

Be it known that a war that is cold is an abomination to me. A war worthy of the name should burn white hot with fury, with the utter destruction of temples, markets, cities and farmland. And with nuclear weapons at the ready, humans possessed the means to produce spectacular destruction in a flash.

Alas, the flash never came. Instead, I had to endure a feeble series of US-Soviet “Proxy Wars:” Americans in Vietnam; Soviets in Afghanistan. To be sure, I find suffering and destruction in small poor countries a pleasant distraction. But it lacks the entertainment value of mayhem in a modern wealthy city.

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There is only one thing more disappointing to me than a “Proxy War:” A war for the purpose of “Nation Building.” No, no, no, no. What were the Americans thinking with that business in Iraq? Wars are for nation DESTROYING.

But recently, I have become cheered. Humans are finally doing what must be done to usher in a new era of warfare between the world’s mightiest nations.

It has been wonderful to watch. Europeans are unraveling the European Union so that Europe may return to its natural condition of interminable strife. Americans are abandoning the tired, the poor, the huddled masses. Countries everywhere are questioning the treaties and alliances that have rendered civilization so boring to watch since the end of World War II.

Best of all, the most powerful nations are now commanded by xenophobic nationalistic leaders. Of course, more must be done. These leaders must build more walls, deploy more weapons. But once this is done, the God of War will be pleased.

Soon enough, I will toss down the Apple of Discord to impel the mightiest countries of earth to unleash their armies on one another. War will become great again! My boredom will come to an end. Because this time EVERYBODY will have nuclear weapons.

I do ask one additional thing: Stop dressing soldiers in high-tech battle gear. I prefer an army with the gladiator look–hairless oiled chest, muscular buttocks, helmet, sandals that lace up the calf and a fig leaf for modesty.

–Mars is the God of War, second only to Jupiter. He resides atop Mount Olympus with eleven other gods.

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