There are some things people do that only a handful of other people hate. There are some things people do that the majority of Earth’s six billion plus people hate. And there are some things that people do that everyone else hates.

Here are three of the things guaranteed to be hated by everyone.

1. Drive a hatchet through another person’s forehead.

Even the person doing the driving hates doing this because it creates a big bloody mess. The person who takes the hatchet to the forehead hates this because it hurts and causes them to bleed. When they see their blood, it scares them and makes them worry.

Everybody else hates this because it’s just wrong. There are plenty of unknowable mysteries about life. But one thing we do know is that no person has ever been created to slice another person’s forehead with a hatchet. Hatchets are for slicing up tree stumps, not foreheads. So if you want everybody in the world to hate you, slam a hatchet into somebody’s forehead.

2. Write about what everybody hates.

Everybody hates this because writing about what everybody hates is a waste of their limited time on Earth, a diversion from what’s important, and a topic that makes them feel down, lonely, and negative.

People hate feeling these feelings so they hate reading about them. Reading about feeling this way causes them to think about feeling this way and they hate thinking this way.

So if you want to do something that everybody hates, write about what everybody hates.

3. Die.

When people tell you they’re not afraid to die, they’re lying. Everybody is afraid to die because we don’t know what happens after we die. Dying is like taking a dive off the Grand Canyon without looking down to see where you will be going.

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People hate uncertainty. Death is the quintessential uncertainty.

I’ll bet you’ve heard someone say “I hate cancer.” They hate cancer because cancer kills people. When people get killed, they stop breathing. It’s scary when we can’t breathe. All of us hate that feeling, even those who hate people who write about what people hate.

Dead people are dumped into a rectangular box and dropped in the ground. People who are still living pour dirt on top of them. They hate doing that. The people who watch it hate watching it. They hate thinking about what it is like to be dead because they don’t know the answer. Everybody hates it when they don’t know the answer to the question of what happens when we die?

No one knows. The will not know until they die.

And they hate that.

So if you want to be hated by everyone, die.

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