Here are three ways to get the most out of your Twitter experiences.
1. Immediately follow 10,000 people.
First, immediately follow 10,000 people. Follow anyone and everyone even if you have never heard of them. Follow Tammy from Alameda High School; Vice President Joe Biden’s grade school gym teacher, Vinny, from Queens; Hank the bag checker at the local Shop Rite; Justin Bieber; Kim Kardashian; Muhammad Ali; Peyton Manning; Julie Andrews; all members of Congress; all former members of Congress; the punt snapper for the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars; and your barber, Butch.
Follow deceased people. This is smart because they can’t send you tweets. Your workload will be lessened. Follow people you thought you knew a few years ago but probably don’t and can’t remember. Follow Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Reddit, and all RSS feeds.
Follow all news outlets in North America. Follow all news outlets in Southeast Asia. Follow all rap singers born after 1963. Follow the leader. Follow the yellow brick road because because because of the wonderful things it does. Follow Elton John. Follow Dorothy. Surrender, Dorothy.
You will notice that when you follow these 10,000 people you will have a lot to follow. If only 6,000 of them send daily tweets, you will be challenged to read all 6,000 in a day.
You will further complicate your life if you decide to retweet, say, 5,000 of those 6,000. Don’t do that. Make a written contract with yourself you will not retweet more than 4,900 per day. And commit to yourself you will only favorite 4,800 per day. Take a stand.
2. Send 10,000 tweets each day.
Second, make a pact with yourself to send 10,000 tweets every day. Write down this goal on paper and put that goal some place where you will see it every day, such as your bathroom.
Tweet about your office stapler’s charcoal black color, sanitizing wipes, PC power cords, tape, smartphone icons, yellow post-it notes, office politics, office air, the 10,000 people who seem to be unhappy in their jobs in your office, your boss, your boss’s boss, the president of your company, the head of Exxon, the leader of the Federal Trade Commission, the lawyers with the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the guy or guys who invented Twitter.
For each of these 10,000 tweets, they need to be customized. No spam tweets allowed. Personalizing tweets packs more punch. For instance, tweet the Twitter inventor and ask him how much money he makes. Don’t expect him to be specific. You should be accommodating. Ask him to give a range, say between $80 billion and $90 billion. Just a ballpark estimate will do. Promise you won’t retweet the response.
Retweet the response.
Tweet your high school girlfriend. Communicate this:
@heyoldchickwhostilllovesme you had your chance and blew it
She will respond within 24 hours. Don’t read it. Move on. Old girlfriends haunt.
Send a tweet to all those people who seem to be unhappy in their jobs. Nevermind, this would take you too long. It’s imperative that you be judicious with your Twitter decisions. You need to take a surgical approach.
3. Tweet about your darkest moments.
Third, make up your mind that if you are going to participate on Twitter, you are going to tweet anything and everything that comes to your mind without filtering any of it. No holding back. All in, all the way, any day. Play.
Your only rule is this: emote pure visceral emotions—what you really think and how you really feel in your darkest moments. Make it your goal to tweet something so outrageous that it gets you interviewed on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360. You decide what that tweet should be. Don’t put that on me. I can’t know your heart. When Anderson grills you about your tweet, tell him you simply wanted to get famous and make as much money as he does.
Finally, think up a tweet that will cause the skies to transmogrify into daffodils, the oceans to turn into Jamocha Almond Fudge ice cream with sprinkles, New Jersey to become part of Honduras, and LeBron James to become Kobe Bryant’s podiatrist.
Your tweet has to be legit, though. No hanky panky. No making things up to shock people. It needs to have real dog meat in it.
Once you send that tweet, unfollow everyone.